Facade Playthroughs
by NightOfAssassins
Summary: just me being a ass. don't mind me.
1. Chapter 1

FACADE STAGEPLAY Tue Feb 19 19 54 04 2013

TRIP Where are the new wine glasses?

GRACE What for?

TRIP That should be obvious!

GRACE Oh God, Trip, don't turn this into a big production, - (interrupted)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

TRIP Uhp, she's here!

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

GRACE What?! You told me it'd be an hour from now!

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

TRIP No, she's supposed to be here now!

LISA bro

GRACE God... Trip!

(Trip opens the front door.)

LISA bro let me in

TRIP Lisa!

TRIP Hey! God it's been so long since we've seen you! How are you doing?

LISA n

GRACE No, no, here we are!

GRACE Lisa,

GRACE Hi! How are you? Oh it's so nice to see you, it feels like it's been forever!

LISA move bitch!

TRIP Yeah, yeah, how are you doing?

GRACE Uh, I just asked her that...

TRIP I can ask too!

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

LISA I'm doing good grace

GRACE Oh, Lisa, you've always got such nice things to say.

GRACE H-mmm (happy smile sound)

GRACE And, I've got to say, you look really good!

GRACE Make yourself at home, come on in!

LISA grace you look really nice tonight

TRIP Huh, I'll close the door.

TRIP I'm gonna fix us some drinks.

PHONE ** RING **

(Trip closes the front door.)

TRIP Oh, I'll get it -

GRACE No, no, we have a guest, we can let the answering machine pick it up.

PHONE ** RING **

LISA hey grace can I hug you?

PHONE ** RING **

GRACE What? Oh, that's - hmm, w, wait a second... (clears throat)

PHONE ** RING **

ANSWERING MACHINE ** click **

ANSWERING MACHINE You've reached the fabulous new home of Grace and Trip. Leave us a message!

LISA I haven't seen you in so long. sorry

ANSWERING MACHINE ** beep **

(LISA hugs grace.)

ANSWERING MACHINE Grace, this is your father, I thought I'd call to see how my lovely daughter is doing.

GRACE Oh, uh, you're hugging me...

TRIP Oh, that's nice of you. Grace, aren't you glad we invited her over?

ANSWERING MACHINE I want you and Trip to come up to the house this weekend, your mother and I are throwing a party for a senior VP at the firm, and you should be there.

GRACE (clears throat)

LISA sorry if I upset you grace

TRIP Well, Grace's parents... They're something else, really classy people -

ANSWERING MACHINE Oh, and be sure to arrive early, I want to talk to you about this business about why you won't be attending your mother's Christmas Eve gala.

GRACE Uhh, no, they're impossible, they expect me to drive up to the house in Connecticut to attend all their stupid socialite charity benefits and parties, it's so tiresome. - (interrupted)

LISA COUCH!

ANSWERING MACHINE (clear throat) So, that's all. Uh, goodbye.

TRIP Yeah,

(LISA sits on the couch.)

TRIP if there's one thing Grace is really passionate about, it's her decorating...

GRACE What? God,

GRACE Lisa, don't listen to him, it's just a hobby, really -

TRIP No it's a real creative thing for you, it's really great, you get so into it -

GRACE No Trip there are things I am much more passionate about than decorating, believe me.

GRACE Ha ha, geez. - (interrupted)

LISA TRIP!

GRACE um...

GRACE Yeah, I'm hoping you can help me understand where I went wrong with my new decorating, ha ha.

LISA NO

(LISA gets up from the couch.)

TRIP Oh, Grace, let's not do that.

LISA WAI IS THE WALLS ALL BLACK?

GRACE (little sigh) You know, for this corner of the room I had a desire for something... big... and bold...

LISA NO COLOR?

TRIP Yeah, this is a huge couch...

GRACE but now I can see how I should have chosen a simple, comfortable... love seat.

TRIP uhh...

TRIP See Grace, no one is complaining about your decorating, there's nothing wrong with it!

LISA NONSENSE IT LOOKS PRETTY

GRACE Trip, I can't explain it, but this room is just not working, okay? I'm going to return what furniture I can, - (interrupted)

LISA WOAH

TRIP Lisa, yeah, Grace, nothing's wrong, everything's fine!

(Trip shakes the advice ball.)

LISA WHERE YOU COME FROM?

TRIP Why not?

TRIP Heh!

GRACE (little sigh)

LISA SCUSE ME!

GRACE (big sigh)

GRACE Oh God, Lisa, this isn't much fun for you, is it?

TRIP What?

LISA no

GRACE Listen - (interrupted)

GRACE You don't agree? Okay, well...

TRIP Grace, come on, that kind of statement is not helpful...

GRACE Trip, it's okay if we disagree in front of our friend - - (interrupted)

TRIP Disagreeing?! We're NOT disagreeing. - (interrupted)

LISA it's not very fun.

TRIP Y - yeah, yeah, no no no - we're not disagreeing.

TRIP Well, - (interrupted)

(Trip shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Heh... It's a sure thing.

LISA please don't fight. you scarying me

TRIP Huh... I don't know about that...

GRACE Trip, would you put that thing away, it's ridiculous.

TRIP I like it!

LISA ball!

TRIP Wha - uh, heh, oh, well...

TRIP Lisa, I - I want you to look at this photo from our recent trip to Italy...

GRACE (impatient sigh) Trip, maybe our friend would prefer -

TRIP Grace, just because you don't like it, doesn't mean our friend won't...

GRACE Trip, you see, your fetish for all things European is making our friend very uncomfortable!

TRIP Goddammit, Grace, this was supposed to be our second honeymoon!

GRACE What? Lisa, Trip is absolutely exaggerating, it was simply a weekend getaway, that's - (interrupted)

LISA I'M SCARED!

TRIP Jesus, - (interrupted)

TRIP Wait - see - I just wanted to spend time together!

TRIP uh...

GRACE All those business trips of yours to Europe must have done something to you.

LISA NO BRO

TRIP uhh!

(Trip shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Definitely, hmm.

TRIP Uhh, yeah, right... - (interrupted)

LISA SUPER CREEPY BRO

GRACE N - no, Trip can get overly obsessed.

TRIP Oh no, Lisa, I just realized... I'm sorry!

GRACE What?!

TRIP I haven't gotten us drinks!

GRACE tuhh...

TRIP Oh this is good because I just bought these classy new cocktail shakers I need us to try out.

LISA this picture says rape

TRIP uh...

GRACE uh...!

TRIP geez, I'm not, uh...

LISA sorry

GRACE (nervous coughing)

TRIP that's, um...

LISA sorry

TRIP heh, ha ha...

GRACE ha ha ha ha ha, heh...

TRIP ha ha ha!

GRACE ha ha ha ha!

TRIP Ha ha ha, heh, Lisa,

GRACE heh heh heh...

TRIP heh, you had me going there for a sec...

TRIP heh, ha ha...

LISA sorry!SORRY!SOOOORRRYYY!

TRIP You're not afraid to say anything, are you?

TRIP mess with us ...

(LISA sits on the couch.)

TRIP heh heh, you're crazy, you know that?

TRIP ha ha...

TRIP (big sigh)

TRIP Anyway, uh... what - what were we talking about?

GRACE (happy but tense sigh)

GRACE Lisa,

GRACE you and I are getting along so well tonight...

GRACE Stay there for a moment...

GRACE I want your opinion. Stay there.

GRACE Ugh, I'm getting so tired of looking at this god awful work table.

GRACE Maybe if I replaced it with... um...

TRIP Do you... do you remember, Grace...

GRACE What.

TRIP How I proposed to you.

GRACE Oh, God, Trip -

TRIP Here, Lisa, I'll show you.

LISA CRAZY? HOW DARE YOU!

TRIP It was at Grace's parents' house, Christmas, senior year of college -

GRACE Trip, what are you doing?!

TRIP I got on one knee, in front of everybody, and -

GRACE Stop it, Trip!

TRIP I pulled out a diamond ring -

GRACE Trip!

TRIP And I said, Grace, will you marry me?

LISA EeEEEEEEWWWWW

TRIP Heh, is - is that romantic or what?!

LISA no.

GRACE Thank you!

TRIP What? I -

GRACE See, Trip, not everyone thinks being proposed to like that is so romantic.

GRACE I don't know where you get your ideas.

TRIP Lisa,

TRIP Grace, come on, what could be more romantic than that?

LISA it was in the middle of a dog park

GRACE Lisa, I'm sorry, you didn't need to see that -

(LISA gets up from the couch.)

TRIP Grace!

GRACE Trip, you're being a real bore tonight, let's just forget about it, okay?

TRIP (big frustrated sigh)

GRACE (clears throat)

LISA can we dance?

GRACE Oh God, I can't take anymore of this!

TRIP Ahh, no, I can't take anymore!

TRIP Goddamn romantic... wedding proposal... - (interrupted)

LISA I'M SORRY!

TRIP Huh? What are you saying to me?

TRIP I try to reach out to you, I try to be romantic with you, but you're cold, and distant! I do, I really try!

GRACE (impatient sigh) - (interrupted)

LISA STOP FIGHTING!

TRIP No don't criticize me anymore, it's just going to turn this even more ugly!

GRACE My goddamn parents...

LISA YOUR SCARYING ME!

GRACE I wish you would just be yourself! Ever since I've known you, you resist just being yourself!

TRIP Oh, Christ...!

LISA STOP IT!

GRACE Okay, you know what, Lisa,

GRACE I'm going to ask you something.

TRIP Grace -

GRACE Trip, let me ask our guest a question.

LISA ok

GRACE Lisa, yes or no...

GRACE Do you think it's _wrong_ for one person in a marriage to listen _too much_ to the other?

TRIP What?

GRACE To trust your husband or wife too much, to rely on them too much? Is that wrong?

GRACE Yes or no.

LISA what do you mean?

GRACE Look, don't bother answering, I don't need to hear it!

LISA yes

GRACE Goddammit! How can I be happy when you act this way, Trip? Huh? I'm miserable!

TRIP Oh, come on...!

TRIP Uhh! Yeah, go on, go away!

TRIP I can't even frigging look at you.

TRIP What the... goddammit!

LISA can I has a pepsi?

TRIP uhh!

LISA BRO DUN COME NEAR MAI!

TRIP What are you saying? What?

GRACE What, I can't hear you, are you talking to me?

TRIP No!

TRIP Lisa, I can't believe this is happening...!

TRIP uhh...

LISA STOP. FIGHTING. BOTH OF YOU!

TRIP Look, you - you probably want to get out of here...

LISA no

TRIP Oh, Jesus... Christ...

GRACE What? If you're talking to me, I can't hear you!

TRIP I'm not!

GRACE Lisa, (annoyed sigh) Trip is sometimes so...

LISA grace?

TRIP Oh, we're talking about me, are we?

GRACE What?

GRACE Trip, it's your fault - ten years ago, freshly married and just out of college,

LISA BRO! you went through a wall!

GRACE you convinced me to go into advertising, instead of art!

TRIP What?

GRACE If it weren't for you, I could be a real artist by now.

TRIP Uhh... Lisa, uhh... - (interrupted)

LISA I liked your art grace

GRACE Uhh, this painting, well... mmm... see, all I really wanted was something personal and, uh... beautiful and special...

TRIP Grace...

GRACE But I just... mmm... no, I - I just get so depressed and angry when I look at it!

TRIP Jesus...!

LISA it's beauitful. your art work

TRIP No, look, there's nothing wrong with the stupid painting!

GRACE Well it makes me feel like shit.

TRIP Uhh... you feel that for no reason!

LISA stupid?

LISA STUPID?! HOW DARE YOU!

GRACE Look, why don't we talk about us, our relationship.

GRACE Lisa, you - you blame me for all this, don't you?

TRIP See, Grace, you're the one turning this into such a big issue. In fact I saved you from wasting your life as an artist.

GRACE What? Oh my God.

(LISA picks up the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE Lisa, is that true, all of this is my fault? - (interrupted)

(The advice ball reads, "It's Definite")

(LISA puts down the advice ball.)

TRIP Lisa, does it look like I want to fix you drinks right now?

LISA NO

GRACE Let's keep the focus on us, our relationship.

TRIP You know, Grace, ever since I first proposed to you, almost ten years ago now...

LISA I was just standing here bro.

GRACE Trip...

TRIP No, I mean, I'm sure that Grace really... loves me... but - uhh - uhh...

LISA grace.

TRIP Lisa, if there's something about me, just tell me what it is!

TRIP Grace, we don't - we don't have to do this... things are okay, we can just -

GRACE Lisa, I can't stand the pretending anymore... I can't take it!

LISA your ugly trip

LISA don't do it bro

TRIP No, Grace, we can... I mean, come on, don't make it out to be so bad...

GRACE Uhh...

LISA HUG AND MAKE UP DAMN IT

GRACE Look, let's talk about Trip now.

TRIP Lisa, you know, it's weird to me, when I'm on a business trip, Grace never calls me, ever!

LISA ok'

GRACE Uhh...

TRIP She says she's afraid to call me!

LISA she is

GRACE Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us.

TRIP It's so annoying... Grace, why is it that anytime I want to do something nice for you, you resist it?

GRACE Trip...

TRIP Like I always have to convince you?

GRACE Lisa, you know, we... uhh...

LISA STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE TRIP

GRACE Let's keep the focus on us, our relationship.

LISA YOU HEARD ME

TRIP You know, I can't say Grace never acts loving towards me...

TRIP Lisa, She's all over me at our goddamn parties, trying to look good in front of the guests!

LISA BECAUSE YOUR AN ASSHOLE

TRIP Okay, Lisa, I think this evening is over, you've got to leave.

LISA NO"

TRIP I'm sorry, but, uhh, I don't know what the deal is with you tonight.

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP We'll be fine - you should just go.

LISA EW REWQRWLK:EHRt rn4kq ';l

(Trip closes the front door.)

LISA YOU SUCK


	2. Chapter 2

FACADE STAGEPLAY Tue Feb 19 20 07 19 2013

GRACE Trip, when are you going to get rid of this?

TRIP What, Grace... this?

GRACE Yes, you know how I feel about it -

TRIP I know I know I'll do it right now, alright?!

GRACE You know I've had to ask you about this several -

TRIP Get off my back! I'll get rid of it in just a minute!

ERIC MELON

(ERIC knocks on the front door.)

(ERIC knocks on the front door.)

GRACE Fine, Trip... fine... - (interrupted)

TRIP Uhp, he's here!

GRACE What?! You told me it'd be an hour from now!

TRIP No, he's supposed to be here now!

GRACE God... Trip!

ERIC HELLO?

(ERIC knocks on the front door.)

(ERIC knocks on the front door.)

(ERIC knocks on the front door.)

(ERIC knocks on the front door.)

(ERIC knocks on the front door.)

(ERIC knocks on the front door.)

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP Eric!

TRIP Hey! It's been too long, man! How are you doing, you look great!

(ERIC hugs trip.)

TRIP Ha ha, hi!

TRIP Wow, it's really really great to see you.

TRIP Come on in!

TRIP Uh, it'll be just a sec while I go get Grace...

ERIC I can?

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

GRACE No, no, here we are!

ERIC CHEESE

GRACE Eric,

GRACE Hi! How are you? I'm so happy to see you after so long! - (interrupted)

GRACE Uh...

GRACE Well, come in, make yourself at home...

GRACE So, Eric, I was - (interrupted)

ERIC HOW ARE YOU GRACE?

PHONE ** RING **

GRACE Oh, I'll get it -

TRIP No, no no no, our friend's here, we can let the answering machine get it. - (interrupted)

PHONE ** RING **

ERIC I WILL

TRIP What? Wait, wait, let's just wait for the answering machine...

PHONE ** RING **

PHONE ** RING **

ANSWERING MACHINE ** click **

ANSWERING MACHINE You've reached the fabulous new home of Grace and Trip. Leave us a message!

(ERIC picks up the phone.)

PHONE Hello? Hello?

TRIP Eric, no! Don't do that.

PHONE Who is this? Travis, is that you? This is your mother.

ERIC hi

TRIP Uhh, that's my mother, I can hear her loud voice.

ERIC yes

PHONE I don't recognize your voice...

GRACE Oh!

ERIC HELLO

PHONE I - I think I have the wrong number... ** click **

TRIP Okay, she's confused, as usual... just - just hang it up.

ERIC NUUUU

(ERIC puts down the phone.)

GRACE Anyhow, Trip's parents... They're sweet people, really down to earth -

TRIP Uhh, no, they're ignorant, they don't know 'black tie only' from... black bean chili.

ERIC THE PHONE WENT THROUGH YO

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

TRIP Well... you two are all chummy already... that's, that's good...

TRIP Oh, Eric, you've got to take a look at this amazing photo from our recent trip to Italy... - (interrupted)

ERIC grace did you draw the dress?

TRIP Well - um, you'll love this incredible Italy photo!

TRIP So, uh, come here, look at this, it's, it - it's great, take a look! - (interrupted)

ERIC it's lovely

TRIP Oh, uh...

GRACE How nice of you to say that. Isn't it good to see our friend after so long?

ERIC your a wonderful artist

GRACE Um, wait...

GRACE You think we should...

GRACE make art...

ERIC yes

TRIP Ha ha, ha, oh, you're - you're quite the kidder tonight, ha ha ha...

ERIC I'LL GET THE PAINT

GRACE Ha, yeah, ha ha...

TRIP Ha ha, heh, never afraid to say anything that pops into your mind, ha heh heh... - (interrupted)

GRACE Oh, yeah, that new painting, I just put it up this week... It's... - (interrupted)

ERIC I'm serious

GRACE uh...

TRIP Eric, come on, come on, take a look at this picture!

GRACE Why did I let you put that up...

ERIC is the painting handmade?

GRACE Oh god, let's not talk about this painting.

TRIP That's an odd thing to say for someone who claims to like art.

GRACE Eric, it's amazing how two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

GRACE Trip, see, your weird obsession for Italy is making our friend uncomfortable.

ERIC there's moar then one painting?

GRACE Okay, you know what, I really don't want to talk about this anymore.

GRACE I'll be right back.

TRIP Grace, what are you -

GRACE No you two keep talking about our amazing apartment and redecorating and furniture all night long, that's fine...

TRIP What? Where are you going?

ERIC umm...this painting is...

GRACE I'll just be in the kitchen.

ERIC asstastic

TRIP (frustrated sigh)

TRIP Um, Grace, uh, my love, could you, uh -

TRIP could you bring out some of that prosciutto, you know, that we served at our last party?

ERIC the door is open...

TRIP Well, I'm sorry that we're all having this... misunderstanding... tonight.

ERIC the door is open.

TRIP Heh... this is nothing... we - we - we're just... she's... - (interrupted)

ERIC can I close the door?

TRIP Oh, uh, Grace has been kind of stressed out lately, with work, and, and, and I try to give - (interrupted)

GRACE Trip?

TRIP Yes?

GRACE Trip?

ERIC GRACE ISN'T A DOOR!

TRIP What?

TRIP Hey - hey, uh... Eric,

TRIP I meant to tell you, we're going to have this big, big party next weekend.

ERIC RAAAAAAAAAA

TRIP Do you - do you think you can make it?

ERIC NO

GRACE So, what have you two been talking about in here?!

TRIP Oh! uh, heh heh, hey... um...

ERIC ga!

GRACE Yeah...

GRACE You know, ever since we got married, Trip is forever trying to get me to buy new furniture, and - (interrupted)

TRIP Well, yeah, it's - (interrupted)

TRIP Eric, what are you doing? Are you leaving?

(ERIC knocks on the front door.)

(ERIC closes the front door.)

TRIP (little sigh) Anyway... I can't remember what we were talking about...

ERIC THE DOOR WAS OPEN

TRIP You know what? It's about time... - (interrupted)

ERIC sorry

TRIP Uh, well, um, we need drinks!

TRIP This is great... For us I'm going to open an amazing, I mean, exquisite Bordeaux.

ERIC grace. how are you?

GRACE What? No, I, I'm - I'm fine, we're fine, everything's fine...

GRACE (clears throat)

TRIP So... how does a Bordeaux sound? - (interrupted)

ERIC do you need a hug?

GRACE What? Hey, no, there's nothing...

GRACE you keep...

ERIC sorry.

GRACE no, everything's fine, okay? - (interrupted)

TRIP So... how does a Bordeaux sound?

ERIC I'm sorry...

TRIP No no I really think we should have this wine, trust me, trust me!

TRIP Best of the best, you can't buy this in stores... Very, very special -

ERIC I don't drink...

GRACE God Trip, you're just like my dad with the whole wine snob thing.

TRIP I'll take that as a compliment. Eric, what do you say?

GRACE Eric, maybe you'd like some juice, or a mineral water?

TRIP Yeah, no, we need to open this wine! Our friend is here, we're going to enjoy ourselves, that's all there is to it!

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

TRIP I've been dying to try this Bordeaux for a long time, this is the perfect opportunity -

ERIC yes! juice would be lovely

GRACE That's not our anniversary wine is it?

GRACE That's not the Bordeaux we saved from our wedding, that we were going to drink on our tenth wedding anniversary, RIGHT?!

ERIC can I has juice?

TRIP Whoops.

ERIC juice?

TRIP Eric, no, I'm not fixing you a drink right now!

GRACE Our anniversary wine!

GRACE Sometimes I feel like our whole marriage is just for show! I don't know what you really feel!

ERIC I DON'T DRINK

GRACE Are - what, what are you saying?

TRIP Goddamn more real...

TRIP I like my fancy drinks, okay? I like the good things in life, does that make me a bad person? Their just drinks!

GRACE Oh, my God...!

GRACE Alright, you know what, Eric,

ERIC HE'S FORCING ALCHOL ON ME

GRACE I'm going to ask you something.

TRIP Grace -

GRACE Trip, let me ask our guest a question.

ERIC ok

GRACE Eric, yes or no...

GRACE If there was a thing about yourself you didn't like, but your husband or wife likes it, is it still okay to hide it?

ERIC no

TRIP What...?!

TRIP Oh, okay... sure...

TRIP Grace, you won't let me be who I want to be! Who - who I am! This is who I am now! Goddammit!

GRACE Oh, that's great Trip!

ERIC can I please have juice?

GRACE Uhh! Yeah, good, get away from me!

GRACE I don't want to look at you!

GRACE Dammit, Trip!

ERIC I'LL GET IT MYSELF!

GRACE What? What are you saying?

TRIP What? Are you talking about me in there?

GRACE I wasn't talking about you!

GRACE Eric, I - I'm sorry... this - (interrupted)

ERIC wanna sit down with me?

TRIP Eric, in what you said before, about marriage... I think that tells us something about Grace.

GRACE Oh, we're talking about me, are we?

ERIC what?

TRIP What?

TRIP Grace, even though you're now a creative director at work, and even though you redecorate the apartment all the time, the truth is... you're not an artist. - (interrupted)

ERIC GET AWAY FROM ME!

TRIP Alright, Eric, that's it, you've got to leave.

ERIC NONOOOOOO

ERIC NONONONon

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP We'll be fine - you should just go.

ERIC GRACE!

(Trip closes the front door.)

ERIC NO!


	3. Chapter 3

FACADE STAGEPLAY Tue Feb 19 20 31 55 2013

GRACE Trip, when are you going to get rid of this?

TRIP What, Grace... this?

GRACE Yes, you know how I feel about it -

TRIP I know I know I'll do it right now, alright?!

GRACE You know I've had to ask you about this several -

TRIP Get off my back! I'll get rid of it in just a minute!

(Nicole knocks on the front door.)

(Nicole knocks on the front door.)

NICOLE ummm...hello?

GRACE Fine, Trip... - (interrupted)

TRIP Oh, she's here!

GRACE What?! You told me it'd be an hour from now!

TRIP No, she's right on time!

NICOLE please don't hate me

GRACE God... Trip!

(NICOLE knocks on the front door.)

(NICOLE knocks on the front door.)

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP Nicole!

TRIP Hey! God it's been so long since we've seen you! - (interrupted)

NICOLE AHHH!

TRIP Uh...

TRIP Well come on in...

NICOLE sorry you startled me'

TRIP Uh, it'll be just a sec while I go get Grace...

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

(NICOLE points to the wedding gown sketch 4.)

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

(NICOLE points to the wedding gown sketch 4.)

(NICOLE points to the wedding gown sketch 4.)

(NICOLE points to the wedding gown sketch 4.)

(NICOLE points to the wedding gown sketch 4.)

(NICOLE points to the wedding gown sketch 4.)

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

NICOLE that's beautiful

(NICOLE points to the wedding gown sketch 4.)

(NICOLE points to the wedding gown sketch 4.)

(NICOLE points to the wedding gown sketch 4.)

(NICOLE points to the wedding gown sketch 4.)

NICOLE I love this dress

GRACE Nicole,

GRACE Hi! How are you? Oh god it's been such a long time!

TRIP Yeah, it has been a long time.

NICOLE woah! Hi grace

GRACE Aw, H-mmm (happy smile sound)

GRACE And I have to say, you look great.

GRACE Well, come on in, make yourself at home!

NICOLE thanks you

TRIP Whoops, I need to go close the door.

TRIP Nicole, let me get you a drink.

(Trip closes the front door.)

PHONE ** RING **

GRACE Oh, I'll get it -

TRIP No, no no no, our friend's here, we can let the answering machine get it.

NICOLE I haven't seen you in ages grace

PHONE ** RING **

TRIP What? Jesus, just - no, no, I just, I just want to wait for the answering machine...!

PHONE ** RING **

NICOLE what?

PHONE ** RING **

TRIP Well, h - hold on, hold on... (clears throat)

GRACE Anyhow, Trip's parents... They're sweet people, really down to earth -

ANSWERING MACHINE ** click **

ANSWERING MACHINE You've reached the fabulous new home of Grace and Trip. Leave us a message!

TRIP Uhh, no, they're ignorant, they wouldn't know what a cumberbund from a cucumber.

ANSWERING MACHINE ** beep **

ANSWERING MACHINE Travis, are you there, it's your mother, I haven't heard from you and Grace in a while,

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

GRACE Nicole, seeing you again makes me remember the wonderful times we all used to have. H-mmm (happy smile sound)

ANSWERING MACHINE I'm just calling to find out if you've settled in to your new apartment, that's all...

TRIP Ha ha, yeah...

ANSWERING MACHINE Give me a call if you're not travelling, I know you're travelling a lot these days.

ANSWERING MACHINE Okay, that's all, bye Travis.

NICOLE I miss them grace.

TRIP N - no, no, tonight is special!

TRIP Nicole, remember, it was almost exactly ten years ago, tonight, that you introduced us.

TRIP Senior year of college!

GRACE Oh... geez...

TRIP Remember that?

NICOLE grace we never hang out anymore

TRIP Oh... you know our wedding picture is the first thing everyone notices when they enter the room.

GRACE Well, geez, how could they miss it?

TRIP Well, yeah...

GRACE You know I don't think it really goes with this room anymore.

NICOLE I miss chilling with you grace

TRIP Um, well, without you, we wouldn't even have this celebration. - (interrupted)

TRIP Um, well, without you, we wouldn't even have this celebration. - (interrupted)

NICOLE I'm glad you invited me over

TRIP Oh, ha ha, thanks -

GRACE Nicole, you're always so sweet to us. Isn't she sweet.

TRIP (clears throat)

(Trip shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Why not?

TRIP Huh!

NICOLE thanks

(NICOLE hugs grace.)

TRIP Oh, well...

GRACE Oh, heh, you're hugging me...

TRIP Oh, well that was nice, I'm sure Grace appreciates that.

GRACE (clears throat)

GRACE Yeah, I'm hoping you can help me understand where I went wrong with my new decorating, ha ha.

TRIP Oh, Grace, let's not do that. - (interrupted)

NICOLE went wrong?

TRIP Well, it's impressive... even after a full day's work designing magazine ads, Grace somehow finds time to decorate...

GRACE Ha ha, I guess it's just the artist in me dying to get out. - (interrupted)

NICOLE it's lovely grace

NICOLE oh sorry

GRACE God... you're really laying it on thick tonight!

GRACE You know what... I'll be right back.

TRIP Grace, sweetie, wait -

GRACE No, no, stay put, I'll just be in the kitchen.

NICOLE I'm sorry!

TRIP (frustrated sigh)

NICOLE I'm so sorry

TRIP Um, Grace, darling, could you -

TRIP could you bring out some of that prosciutto, you know, that we served at our last party?

TRIP Grace makes the most amazing hors doeurves, heh... uh... As good as her mom used to make.

TRIP Uhh, jesus...

NICOLE hey can I as you something

TRIP Look, don't pay any attention to this... this... it's nothing... - (interrupted)

TRIP Wait, Nicole, where - where are you going?

NICOLE I was just moving closer...

TRIP Heh heh heh, well, we've been a little stressed out lately, she just, she - (interrupted)

TRIP Uhh, Jesus, why are we all having this... misunderstanding... tonight... uhh...

TRIP (frustrated sigh)

NICOLE did grace draw those?

GRACE Trip?

TRIP Yes?

GRACE Trip?

TRIP What?

GRACE Trip, are you there?

TRIP Yes, what?

(NICOLE sits on the couch.)

TRIP uhh...

(NICOLE gets up from the couch.)

TRIP Hey - hey, uh... Nicole,

TRIP I meant to tell you, we're going to have this big, big party next weekend.

TRIP Do you - do you think you can make it?

TRIP It's gonna be great.

NICOLE I think so

TRIP Sweet...

TRIP Hey, hey, uh - why don't you, um... invite that woman in accounting you were telling me about... um...

TRIP What was her name...

TRIP Veronica?

GRACE Who?

TRIP Uhh... Oh! Uh, it's, uh, she - she - she's a, she - she's this interesting woman that, uh, our friend works with.

TRIP She's, uh... into what, skydiving... or was it scuba diving...?

NICOLE she quit a long time ago

GRACE Nicole, you've been telling Trip about interesting women at your work?

NICOLE no

TRIP What? Grace, honey, you know, we're always trying to invite new people to our parties, keep things fresh...

GRACE Fresh?

TRIP um...

NICOLE ?

TRIP Ah, Nicole, what we really need here...

TRIP are some drinks!

GRACE Oh, is that what we need...

TRIP When it comes to drinking, I have the simplest tastes. I'm uh always satisfied with the best.

NICOLE I don't drink...

TRIP N - no, no, heh, I'm going to open an exquisite Bordeaux!

TRIP Top of the line, very rare, very difficult to acquire -

GRACE God Trip, you're just like my dad with the whole wine snob thing.

NICOLE but...I don't drink...

TRIP I'll take that - (interrupted)

TRIP What? Oh, I, I thought you'd love that...!

GRACE Trip we don't all share your infatuation with overpriced wine.

GRACE Nicole, how about something simple, like a nice glass of chardonnay?

TRIP Oh come on...

NICOLE may I have some juice?

TRIP Yeah, no, we need to open this wine! Our friend is here, we're going to enjoy ourselves, that's all there is to it!

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

TRIP I've been dying to try this Bordeaux for a long time, this is the perfect opportunity -

GRACE That's not our anniversary wine is it?

GRACE That's not the Bordeaux we saved from our wedding, that we were going to drink on our tenth wedding anniversary, RIGHT?!

NICOLE but...but...I don't drink alchol...

TRIP Whoops.

TRIP Ahh, this is bullshit!

GRACE Ahh, no, you're full of shit!

GRACE Our anniversary wine!

GRACE Sometimes I feel like our whole marriage is just for show! I don't know what you really feel! - (interrupted)

NICOLE I'm sorry...

GRACE What, what are you saying?

TRIP (little impatient sigh) - (interrupted)

NICOLE I'm sorry

GRACE Okay, I hear you, I hear you...

TRIP Goddamn more real...

TRIP I like my fancy drinks, okay? I like the good things in life, does that make me a bad person? Their just drinks!

NICOLE ok...

GRACE Oh, yeah, yeah, right!

GRACE Okay, you know what, Nicole,

GRACE I'm going to ask you something.

TRIP Grace -

GRACE Trip, let me ask our guest a question.

NICOLE please stop yelling trip

GRACE Nicole, yes or no...

GRACE In a marriage, shouldn't one person try to make their spouse a better person, even if they don't want it?

TRIP What?

NICOLE no.

GRACE What...?!

GRACE Oh, alright... yes...

NICOLE I mean yes'

GRACE Don't you see, Trip?! Our marriage... is a sham, Trip! Don't you see that? It's all fake, all pretend...

TRIP Oh, god...!

NICOLE shamwow?

TRIP Uhh! Yeah, go on, go away!

TRIP I can't frigging take this!

TRIP Oh... Shit!

TRIP uhh!

NICOLE grace?

TRIP What are you saying? What?

GRACE What? Are you talking to me?

TRIP What's it to you?

GRACE Goddammit!

(NICOLE hugs grace.)

GRACE Nicole, I - I'm sorry... this is a disaster...

NICOLE it's ok grace

GRACE Nicole, (annoyed sigh) Trip is just so...

TRIP Oh ho, so we're talking about me, are we?

GRACE What?

GRACE Damn it, Trip, you and my parents are always planning these stupid trips I have to go on..

TRIP They're vacations! Expensive ones at that!

GRACE Of course nobody thinks to ask me what I want.

NICOLE wanna get a pizza?

TRIP Oh, now it's all my fault. Just because your parents and I get along, now it's some big conspiracy.

GRACE God...

(NICOLE comforts grace.)

GRACE Oh, Nicole, thanks, but, what we need right now is to just get all this out in the open...

NICOLE ok.

TRIP Let's keep our focus on Grace.

TRIP Grace, I don't think you really do want us to quit our jobs, lead a simpler lifestyle.

GRACE What? Trip, you know what I -

TRIP Oh come on! You grew up with a silver spoon in your mouth. You can't live any other way.

NICOLE why on grace? why not on you trip

GRACE Why?

GRACE Nicole, oh my god, you can't believe... Ugh!

GRACE Uhh...

GRACE Why is this happening? Why is he doing this to me?

GRACE Uhh...

NICOLE why pin everything on grace trip?

TRIP Why?

GRACE No, just give me a second, please... uhh...

(NICOLE comforts grace.)

GRACE Look, let's talk about Trip now. - (interrupted)

TRIP Jesus, Nicole, quit it with that stuff!

GRACE Look, why don't we talk about us, our relationship.

TRIP You know, I can't say Grace never acts loving towards me...

TRIP Nicole, She's all over me at our goddamn parties, trying to look good in front of the guests!

NICOLE pool parties

GRACE Yes?

TRIP Ah, thank you, just saying that helps us... See, Nicole, her acting loving is the only reason I like our stupid parties.

TRIP Goddammit...

GRACE Let's keep the focus on us, our relationship.

NICOLE ? you don't like the people?

TRIP Grace, we don't - we don't have to do this... things are okay, we can just -

GRACE Nicole, I can't stand the pretending anymore... I can't take it!

NICOLE I need a drink...

TRIP Nicole, come on, I don't feel like fixing drinks at this moment!

GRACE Let's talk some more about us, our relationship.

(NICOLE picks up the red wine bottle.)

TRIP It's so annoying... Grace, why is it that anytime - (interrupted)

(NICOLE puts down the red wine bottle.)

GRACE God, Nicole, I'm getting really tired of talking about Trip's stuff, God... (frustrated sigh)

(NICOLE picks up the red wine bottle.)

(NICOLE puts down the red wine bottle.)

NICOLE speaking of stuff where's yours?

TRIP Okay, no, I want to focus on Grace.

GRACE You know, Trip, whenever I really try to talk honestly about things, you... you don't want to hear it!

TRIP What?

GRACE Nicole, I think I'm the only one who is trying to be the most honest here.

TRIP Uhh...

NICOLE you are being honest grace

TRIP Aha!

GRACE Nicole, you're saying I'm lying?

NICOLE no

GRACE Nicole, you're saying I'm lying? - (interrupted)

TRIP No?

GRACE Oh, thank God you disagree, that might help him understand! Trip you only say that because you so badly don't want me to be an artist!

TRIP (frustrated sigh)

GRACE Nicole, explain this to me!

GRACE Let's keep our focus on Trip.

GRACE Trip, it's your fault - ten years ago, freshly married and just out of college,

GRACE you convinced me to go into advertising, instead of art!

TRIP What?

GRACE If it weren't for you, I could be a real artist by now.

TRIP Uhh... Nicole, uhh...

NICOLE but you went to school for art...

GRACE Uhh, this painting, well... mmm... see, all I really wanted was something personal and, uh... beautiful and special...

(NICOLE sits on the couch.)

(NICOLE gets up from the couch.)

TRIP Grace...

GRACE But I just... mmm... no, I - I just get so depressed and angry when I look at it!

(NICOLE comforts grace.)

TRIP Jesus, Nicole, quit it with that stuff!

NICOLE it's a beautiful painting grace

TRIP Christ, Nicole, can we possibly talk any more about Grace's stuff tonight? (frustrated sigh)

NICOLE well all I see is your stuff!

GRACE Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us.

GRACE Nicole, you - you blame me for all this, don't you?

TRIP See, Grace, you're the one turning this into such a big issue. - (interrupted)

NICOLE no

GRACE No?

GRACE Oh, thank God you disagree, that really helps us!

TRIP Uhh, okay, look, if I didn't save you, I definitely helped you... And at the time, you were happy for that!

GRACE Uhh...

NICOLE how'd you help?

GRACE Let's keep talking about us, our relationship.

TRIP No, Nicole, I - I know, deep down, Gr - Grace and I...

(NICOLE sits on the couch.)

GRACE Trip...

TRIP Heh... I mean... I - I just think back to that Christmas Eve I proposed to her...

GRACE Nicole, we... uhh...

(NICOLE gets up from the couch.)

GRACE Okay, goddammit, I can't do this anymore, just stop!

(NICOLE comforts grace.)

GRACE Nicole, I know what you're hinting at, okay?!

GRACE about us...

GRACE about art...

GRACE Do you two want to hear the honest truth? Huh?

GRACE Nicole, do you want that?

NICOLE I was just...I miss you grace

GRACE No, Nicole, just, yes or no, do you want the truth?

NICOLE yes I do

GRACE Trip, huh?

TRIP Yes...!

GRACE See, Nicole, I've been listening carefully to what you've been saying tonight.

GRACE You've been pushing me tonight.

GRACE It makes me wonder if you're really my friend...?

TRIP Grace!

GRACE Nicole, I've got to ask you - yes or no...

GRACE Do you really think that...

GRACE praising Trip...

GRACE and worst of all,

GRACE telling me I'm lying...

GRACE and what you said about trying to make your spouse better...

GRACE that we're supposed to now understand something about ourselves from all that?

GRACE Is all of that arguing intended to mean something, or...

GRACE Is it? I just want a yes or a no.

NICOLE no...

GRACE No? Oh... I'm surprised, I would have said yes, it did mean something.

GRACE Trip, I -

GRACE I let you stop me from being an artist.

NICOLE fighting never solves anything.

TRIP You let me -

GRACE I was afraid, Trip okay?

GRACE I - I admit it.

GRACE I didn't know if - if I could do it, be a real artist...

GRACE And I've been using you as an excuse for why I didn't do it.

GRACE uhh...

TRIP uhh...

TRIP Jesus...!

GRACE Nicole, I -

TRIP I'm going to give you the truth too, Grace.

GRACE What?!

TRIP Grace, I know you want to be an artist.

TRIP But I could never be married to you if you were.

GRACE What?

TRIP I can't... I - I just can't...

GRACE But Trip -

TRIP When I married you, see, I was sure I could convince you to give it up, to - to go into advertising.

GRACE Uhh...

TRIP And - and I did it, and it worked.

TRIP But now... I - I don't know, Grace...

TRIP (big sigh) I don't know...

GRACE uhh...

GRACE Oh my God...!

GRACE Nicole, I, uhh...

GRACE This changes everything...

NICOLE I love you grace...I always had.

TRIP Yes, it does change everything.

TRIP And no, Nicole, uhh, hold on...

TRIP I think it's over.

GRACE Trip, what -

TRIP No!

NICOLE I...

TRIP It's over, Grace, can't you see that?

NICOLE you hate me?

GRACE Wha... I just told you -

TRIP You just told me something about us you should have said a long time ago:

TRIP You've been using me as an excuse to not be an artist...

TRIP And no, Nicole, no more!

TRIP And about me...

TRIP I can't be married to an artist.

NICOLE trip you've been using her too

GRACE Trip, I -

TRIP No, Grace, this about me, and it's about us, but it's - it's not about you...

GRACE Not about me...? Hey, no, wait!

TRIP Nicole, I'm sorry. You really helped me though, so, thanks.

GRACE Trip!

(Trip opens the front door.)

GRACE Trip!

(Trip closes the front door.)

GRACE Oh my God...

GRACE I should have told him that I...

GRACE I could have told him that...

NICOLE HELLO?! I'M STUCK?!


	4. Chapter 4

FACADE STAGEPLAY Tue Feb 19 20 53 34 2013

TRIP Where are the new wine glasses?

GRACE What for?

TRIP That should be obvious!

GRACE Oh God, Trip, don't turn this into a big production, please!

TRIP Jesus Grace, come on, I'm not asking a lot here!

ESPEN LET ME IN BITCHES

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

TRIP Uhp, he's here!

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

GRACE What?! You said he's coming an hour from now!

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

TRIP No, he's supposed to be here now!

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

GRACE Trip...!

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

ESPEN hi?

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP Espen!

TRIP Hi! It's so great to see you! It's been a while how's it going?

ESPEN good

TRIP Yeah!

TRIP Wow, it's so great to see you after so long.

TRIP Come on in!

(ESPEN hugs trip.)

TRIP Uh, I'll - I'll go get Grace...

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN closes the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN closes the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN closes the front door.)

(ESPEN knocks on the front door.)

(ESPEN closes the front door.)

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

ESPEN PENIS'

ESPEN GRACE?

GRACE Espen,

ESPEN HI

GRACE Hi! How are you? I'm so happy to see you after so long! - (interrupted)

GRACE H-mmm (happy smile sound)

GRACE By the way, you look fabulous!

GRACE Well, come on in, make yourself at home!

ESPEN oh thanks

GRACE Oh, ha ha ha!

GRACE Espen, seeing you again makes me remember the wonderful - (interrupted)

PHONE ** RING **

(ESPEN sits on the couch.)

GRACE Oh, I'll get it -

TRIP No, no no no, our friend's here, we can let the answering machine get it.

PHONE ** RING **

ESPEN I can get it

PHONE ** RING **

TRIP What? Wait, wait, let's just wait for the answering machine...

ESPEN why?

PHONE ** RING **

(ESPEN gets up from the couch.)

TRIP Well, h - hold on, hold on... (clears throat)

ANSWERING MACHINE ** click **

GRACE Anyhow, Trip's parents... They're sweet people, really down to earth -

ANSWERING MACHINE You've reached the fabulous new home of Grace and Trip. Leave us a message!

TRIP Uhh, no, they're ignorant, they wouldn't know what a cumberbund from a cucumber.

ANSWERING MACHINE ** beep **

ANSWERING MACHINE Travis, are you there, it's your mother, I haven't heard from you and Grace in a while,

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

ANSWERING MACHINE I'm just calling to find out if you've settled in to your new apartment, that's all...

ESPEN can I have some juice please?

TRIP Oh, yeah, I'm gonna fix us some drinks in a sec!

TRIP Oh and I've got these fancy new cocktail shakers I'm itching to try out.

ANSWERING MACHINE Give me a call if you're not travelling, I know you're travelling a lot these days.

ANSWERING MACHINE Okay, that's all, bye Travis.

TRIP Espen, come on, take a look at this picture!

ESPEN I can't have alchohol...

TRIP N - no, no, come take a look!

GRACE Trip, darling, your obsession with that photo of yours is making our friend uncomfortable.

TRIP (little sigh) Well this trip to Italy was meant to be our second honeymoon.

GRACE Trip, don't exaggerate... it was just a weekend getaway.

TRIP uhh...

TRIP So! Drinks!

TRIP I've got the perfect bottle of cabernet I've been saving for just such an occasion.

TRIP We went wine tasting last year in the Napa with Grace's parents and discovered this stuff, it's exquisite.

GRACE uhh... you and your high class drinks...

ESPEN I can't have alchohol trip

TRIP Oh, but everybody loves that!

GRACE Trip don't pressure our friend, okay?

GRACE Espen, maybe you'd like just a simple glass of white wine?

TRIP uhh...

ESPEN I can I have some jucie?

TRIP You know I'm just going to open a bottle of merlot or something,

GRACE Yes, sometimes a simple glass of wine is better than those fancy drinks you always insist on making.

ESPEN water?

TRIP Grace, I assume you want your usual... 'a lovely, very cold - (interrupted)

TRIP Oh, yeah, you know, I think I'll fix you a real drink in not too long...

GRACE As for my drink...

GRACE Well, actually, I would like a glass of Chardonnay.

TRIP Of course.

ESPEN but. I can't have alchohol!

TRIP Heh heh, Espen, seeing you brings back good memories, you know?

GRACE Yes, it does. H-mmm (happy smile sound)

ESPEN lemonade?

TRIP Chardonnay, come and get it.

GRACE (little sigh)

TRIP So, yeah, I just realized!

TRIP Espen, remember, it was almost exactly ten years ago, tonight, that you introduced us.

TRIP Senior year of college!

GRACE Oh... geez...

TRIP Remember that?

ESPEN grape juice?

TRIP Here you go.

(ESPEN picks up a player's drink.)

TRIP So, ten years ago... that's when you introduced us, right?

ESPEN I think...

TRIP We really want to thank you for years and years of...

GRACE Pain.

TRIP Heh heh heh... Agony. - (interrupted)

ESPEN pain?

TRIP Uh - I - I mean, uh, it's, uh - it's great you could be here tonight.

GRACE Well, we're all friends here...

TRIP (little sigh) - (interrupted)

ESPEN I'm not thirsty anymore...

(ESPEN puts down a player's drink.)

GRACE Anyway...

GRACE Trip, it's okay if we disagree in front of our friend - - (interrupted)

GRACE You know, ever since we got married, Trip is forever trying to get me to buy new furniture, and redecorate,

GRACE and - and it's true, I kind of enjoy it but...

TRIP Well, yeah, it's great, everybody loves it when they come in and see our latest decoration scheme!

(Grace sips her Grace's drink.)

(Trip sips his Trip's drink.)

ESPEN hey grace did you draw those?

GRACE But, - (interrupted)

TRIP Well, you have to appreciate how after a full day's work designing magazine ads, Grace can find the time to redecorate -

GRACE I want to throw it all out, get rid of everything, and throw paint all over the walls...

TRIP (annoyed sigh) - (interrupted)

ESPEN cool

TRIP Ah, yeah, Espen, I knew you'd like it.

TRIP See Grace you don't realize how good this all looks - and, and how good you look!

GRACE (annoyed sigh)

ESPEN I likke her paint idea better

TRIP No no, no no, see, Grace loves expensive furniture, she...

TRIP grew up in this really nice house, with really nice couches and fancy dishes, and, and she can't live without this stuff.

ESPEN ummmm...

GRACE Uh, well, it just doesn't go in this room, right?

ESPEN yea

GRACE Ah, what a nice surprise, an honest answer!

TRIP Espen, Wait! Grace, I don't know where you're getting this -

GRACE You know, Trip, do you realize that if you hadn't convinced me to go into advertising, I could have painted that painting on the wall instead of buying it!

TRIP (short petulant sigh)

TRIP Oh, yeah, we've seen how your artist friends live, as if you could survive that kind of lifestyle! Give me a break!

TRIP Ahh, this is bullshit!

GRACE Ahh, no, you're full of shit!

GRACE As if you could survive...

GRACE You keep trying to make our lives so shallow and fake! I don't want to live a fake life, Trip!

ESPEN you are a very good artist grace.

TRIP (little impatient sigh) - (interrupted)

GRACE Look, you're going to really make it bad if you keep criticizing me!

TRIP Goddamn more real...

TRIP I like my fancy drinks, okay? I like the good things in life, does that make me a bad person? Their just drinks! - (interrupted)

GRACE Oh, God...!

ESPEN I'm not though!

GRACE Are - what, what are you saying?

ESPEN you pretty

GRACE Okay, you know what, Espen,

GRACE I'm going to ask you something.

TRIP Grace -

GRACE Trip, let me ask our guest a question.

GRACE Espen, yes or no...

(ESPEN sits on the couch.)

GRACE Do you think it's _wrong_ for one person in a marriage to listen _too much_ to the other?

TRIP What?

GRACE To trust your husband or wife too much, to rely on them too much? Is that wrong?

GRACE Yes or no.

ESPEN ummmm...is this a trick question?

GRACE What...?!

GRACE Oh, yes, that's fine... that's fine...

GRACE Goddammit! How can I be happy when you act this way, Trip? Huh? I'm miserable!

TRIP Oh, god...!

ESPEN no...I mean...I DON'T KNOW!

TRIP Yeah, go on, get out of my face!

ESPEN WAIT!

TRIP I can't frigging take this!

TRIP Goddammit, Grace!

ESPEN COME BACK! DUN LEAVE ME!

TRIP What are you saying? What?

GRACE What, Trip? Are you trying to talk to me?

TRIP What's it to you?

ESPEN I'm sleepy...

TRIP Espen, this has never ever happened before...!

TRIP uhh... - (interrupted)

ESPEN really?

GRACE Espen, (annoyed sigh) Trip is just so...

TRIP Oh, we're talking about me, are we?

GRACE What?

ESPEN no

GRACE Damn it, Trip, you and my parents are always planning these stupid trips I have to go on..

TRIP They're vacations! Expensive ones at that!

GRACE Of course nobody thinks to ask me what I want.

ESPEN that's...

TRIP Oh, now it's all my fault. Just because your parents and I get along, now it's some big conspiracy.

ESPEN yea

GRACE God...

TRIP No we need - we need to talk about us both, not just one.

ESPEN it is trip

GRACE I think Trip's afraid of visiting his parents. He does everything he can to avoid seeing them.

(ESPEN gets up from the couch.)

TRIP Afraid of my parents?! My parents are idiots.

GRACE No, it's true...

ESPEN yes he does.

GRACE Yes?

GRACE Ah, that helps him.

TRIP What!? That's ridiculous. Why would I - why would I be afraid of their stupid meatloafs and their tacky house and their crappy wine...?

ESPEN they're poor?

TRIP Let's keep the focus on us, not just one person.

TRIP It's so annoying... Grace, why is it that anytime I want to do something nice for you, you resist it?

GRACE Trip...

TRIP Like I always have to convince you?

GRACE Espen, you know, we... uhh...

(ESPEN picks up a trinket 6.)

TRIP Grace, we don't - we don't have to do this... things are okay, we can just - - (interrupted)

GRACE All this stuff... mmm... Having all this money makes us so happy. We're so happy, aren't we Trip?

(ESPEN puts down a trinket 6.)

TRIP Jesus, what do you want! Now you're unhappy because we're too well off? - (interrupted)

(ESPEN points to the wedding photo.)

(ESPEN points to the wedding photo.)

GRACE God, that wedding picture... I hate it.

(ESPEN points to the wedding photo.)

(ESPEN points to the wedding photo.)

TRIP Grace, how can you say -

GRACE You and my parents had so much fun planning everything. Trip, the bride normally plans the wedding.

TRIP Jesus, Grace, most women would consider themselves lucky.

ESPEN the bride plans. always

GRACE Look, if we're going to talk about marriage, all I can say is, it doesn't turn out the way you expect it to.

TRIP Grace...

GRACE I'm not saying marriage is a bad idea or something, I'm just... saying I think it's hard to predict what it will actually be like...

(ESPEN hugs grace.)

TRIP Grace, - (interrupted)

GRACE Oh, Espen, thanks, but, what we need right now is to just get all this out in the open...

(ESPEN comforts grace.)

TRIP Christ, Espen, - (interrupted)

ESPEN it's ok

TRIP No, uhh... Espen, what I need is to figure out what hell is going here...

TRIP Look, let's talk about us both, not just one of us.

ESPEN shit's happening that's what!

TRIP You know, I can't say Grace never acts loving towards me...

TRIP Espen, She's all over me at our goddamn parties, trying to look good in front of the guests!

(ESPEN picks up a Trip's drink.)

(ESPEN puts down a Trip's drink.)

TRIP Let's keep the focus on us, not just one person.

TRIP You know what makes me so angry?

GRACE What?

TRIP How you've so conveniently forgotten how much you used to actually hate painting!

(ESPEN picks up the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Why Not")

(ESPEN shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE Espen, I - I - uhh...!

(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")

(ESPEN shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Who Knows")

ESPEN who knows

(ESPEN shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Grace, even though you're now a creative director at work, and even though you redecorate the apartment all the time, the truth is... you're not an artist.

(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")

GRACE Uhh...!

TRIP I'm sorry, you're not.

GRACE Espen, uhh...

ESPEN HOW DARE YOU TRIP!

TRIP No?

GRACE Ah, thank you, you disagree, that might just help him! See, Trip, you have no idea what an artist is.

(ESPEN shakes the advice ball.)

(ESPEN puts down the advice ball.)

TRIP No, let's switch to talking about Grace.

TRIP Espen, you think this is all my fault, don't you?

GRACE See, you lied to me when you said I'd be able to take time off from work at some point, to start painting again.

TRIP I never said such a thing, you're completely making that up!

TRIP Espen, do you agree with that?

ESPEN yes

GRACE Yes?

TRIP Espen, you - you think I'm lying?

ESPEN yes

TRIP Uhh...

TRIP Uhh, you... uhh... does anyone... uhh - uhh... - (interrupted)

GRACE Yes?

TRIP Uhh...

ESPEN heeeey sexy grapey

TRIP Look, quit the flirting already, I'm not going to put up with that at this point!

ESPEN flirting?

TRIP No we need - we need to talk about us both, not just one.

GRACE Espen, you - you blame me for all this, don't you?

TRIP See, I don't think you really want to be an artist. This is all just something for you to blame me for.

GRACE What? Oh my God.

GRACE Espen, do you agree with that lie?

ESPEN no

TRIP No?

GRACE Oh, thank God you disagree, that really helps us! Uhh! Trip, how dare you say that to me! Uhh...

ESPEN trip...your being a real asshole'

GRACE Okay, stop, I - I can't do this anymore, goddammit!

GRACE Espen, I know what you're hinting at...

GRACE about us...

GRACE about art...

GRACE Do you really want the honest truth? Huh?

ESPEN yes

GRACE Trip, huh?

TRIP Yes...!

GRACE See, Espen, I've been listening carefully to what you've been saying tonight.

GRACE You've really been pushing me.

GRACE And I wonder, are - are you really my friend...?

TRIP Grace!

GRACE Espen, I've got to ask you - yes or no...

GRACE Do you really think that...

ESPEN I am your friend grace

GRACE flirting with Trip...

GRACE Wait, Espen, let me finish!

GRACE and what you said about listening too much to your spouse...

GRACE that we're supposed to now understand something about ourselves from all that?

GRACE Is all of that arguing intended to mean something, or...

GRACE Is it? I just want - (interrupted)

ESPEN yes

GRACE Okay.

GRACE Trip, I -

GRACE I let you stop me from being an artist.

TRIP You let me -

GRACE I was afraid, Trip okay?

ESPEN WHAT'S HAPPENING?

GRACE I - I admit it.

GRACE I didn't know if - if I could do it, be a real artist...

ESPEN BABIES

ESPEN ASS

GRACE And I've been using you as an excuse for why I didn't do it.

ESPEN ANUS

GRACE uhh...

TRIP uhh...

ESPEN GULDIUOS MAXIMUS

TRIP Jesus...!

GRACE Espen, I -

TRIP I'm going to give you the truth too, Grace.

GRACE What?!

ESPEN YOU HAVE A TIGHT ASS

TRIP Grace, I know you want to be an artist.

TRIP But I could never be married to you if you were.

GRACE What?

TRIP I can't... I - I just can't...

GRACE But Trip -

TRIP When I married you, see, I was sure I could convince you to give it up, to - to go into advertising.

GRACE Uhh...

ESPEN TRIP YOU ASSHOLE

TRIP And - and I did it, and it worked.

TRIP But now... I - I don't know, Grace...

ESPEN ASSHOLE!

TRIP (big sigh) I don't know...

GRACE uhh...

ESPEN PEPSUSHI

GRACE Oh my God...!

GRACE Espen, I, uhh...

GRACE This changes everything...

TRIP Yes, it does change everything.

ESPEN it's pepsi and sushi combined...

ESPEN IDIOTS

TRIP I think it's over.

ESPEN NO.

GRACE Trip, what -

TRIP No!

TRIP It's over, Grace, can't you see that?

GRACE Wha... I just told you -

TRIP You just told me something about us you should have said a long time ago:

ESPEN STAY. DRINK. ASS.

TRIP You've been using me as an excuse to not be an artist...

ESPEN NO

TRIP And no, Espen, please...

TRIP And about me...

ESPEN KILL ME

TRIP I can't be married to an artist.

ESPEN DO IT!

TRIP And no, Espen, enough!

GRACE Trip, I -

ESPEN EAT ME"

TRIP No, Grace, this about me, and it's about us, but it's not about you...

GRACE Not about me...? Hey, no, wait!

ESPEN EAT ME DAMN IT'

TRIP Espen, I'm sorry. Thank you, though, you really helped me.

ESPEN I'LL STOP HIM!

GRACE Trip!

(Trip opens the front door.)

GRACE Trip!

(Trip closes the front door.)

GRACE Oh my God...


	5. Chapter 5

FACADE STAGEPLAY Tue Feb 19 21 00 39 2013

TRIP Where are the new wine glasses?

GRACE What for?

TRIP That should be obvious!

GRACE Oh God, Trip, don't turn this into a big production, please!

TRIP Jesus Grace, come on, I'm not asking a lot here! - (interrupted)

(Tom knocks on the front door.)

(Tom knocks on the front door.)

TOM TITS

TRIP Uhp, he's here!

GRACE What?! You said he's coming an hour from now!

TRIP No, he's supposed to be here now!

GRACE Trip...!

(TOM knocks on the front door.)

(TOM knocks on the front door.)

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP Tom!

TOM you got huge boobs

TRIP Hi! It's so great to see you! - (interrupted)

TRIP Ha ha, dude, that is a weird way to say hello...!

TRIP Well come on in...

TOM can I squeeze them?

TRIP Uh, it'll be just a sec while I go get Grace...

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

TOM LET ME KISS YOU

GRACE No, no, here we are!

GRACE Tom,

GRACE Hi! How are you? I'm so happy to see you after so long!

TRIP Yeah, yeah, how are you doing? - (interrupted)

GRACE Uh, I just asked him that...

TOM WHERE YOUR BABIES?

GRACE Uh...

GRACE Well, come in, make yourself at home...

GRACE Tom, seeing you again makes me remember the wonderful times we all used to have. - (interrupted)

(Trip closes the front door.)

TOM I HUNGRY FOR BABY FLESH

TRIP Oh, yeah, I'm gonna fix us some drinks in a sec!

TRIP Oh and I've got these fancy new cocktail shakers I'm itching to try out.

TRIP Hey, I just realized something. - (interrupted)

TOM BABIES

TRIP Uh - well, tonight is special!

TRIP Tom, remember, it was almost exactly ten years ago, tonight, that you introduced us. - (interrupted)

TOM FUCK JUICE

TRIP Wait...

TRIP You think we should...

TRIP have more sex...

TOM yes

TRIP Ha ha, ha, oh, you're - you're quite the kidder tonight, ha ha ha...

TOM TOO MUCH TENSIOM

GRACE Ha ha, yeah...

TRIP Ha, never afraid to push our buttons, ha ha ha, heh... - (interrupted)

TRIP So, ten years ago... that's when - (interrupted)

TOM DO IT ON THE FLOOR NOW

TRIP Yeah,

TRIP if there's one thing Grace is really passionate about, it's her decorating...

GRACE What? God,

TOM SEX NOW

GRACE Tom, - (interrupted)

GRACE Hold on...

GRACE You think we should...

TOM DO IT NOW

GRACE have more sex...

TRIP Uh, ha... ha ha ha... uh... y - well, you, uh... you're really, uhh...

TOM ON THE FLOOR NOW!

(TOM kisses grace.)

GRACE What - (interrupted)

TRIP (nervous coughing)

GRACE (nervous coughing)

TRIP whoa, that was, uh...

GRACE (nervous coughing)

TRIP wow, that was, um...

TOM LET"S DO THIS

GRACE ha ha ha ha ha, heh...

TRIP ha ha, heh...

TRIP ha ha ha!

GRACE ha ha ha ha!

TOM IN THE ASS

TRIP Ha ha ha, heh, Tom,

(TOM hugs trip.)

GRACE heh heh heh...

TRIP you maniac! heh heh... you sex maniac! Ha ha, never - (interrupted)

(TOM kisses trip.)

TOM SEX NOW

(TOM kisses trip.)

TRIP Okay, Tom, you know what? I think you should leave.

(Trip opens the front door.)

TOM NO NO NO NO MELOM

TRIP We'll be fine - you just have to go.

(Trip closes the front door.)

TOM N


	6. Chapter 6

FACADE STAGEPLAY Tue Feb 19 21 12 56 2013

GRACE Trip, when are you going to get rid of this?

TRIP What, Grace... this?

GRACE Yes, you know how I feel about it -

TRIP I know I know I'll do it right now, alright?!

GRACE You know I've had to ask you about this several -

TRIP Get off my back! I'll get rid of it in just a minute!

GENEVRA SEX

GRACE Fine, Trip... fine...

GENEVRA hello?

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP Genevra!

TRIP Hey! I thought I heard someone out here! Great to see you! It's - (interrupted)

TRIP Uh...

GENEVRA WOAH

TRIP Y - yeah, yeah...

TRIP Well come on in...

(GENEVRA hugs trip.)

TRIP Uh, let me go get Grace...

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

GENEVRA asshole

(GENEVRA knocks on the front door.)

(GENEVRA closes the front door.)

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

(GENEVRA knocks on the front door.)

(GENEVRA opens the front door.)

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

(GENEVRA picks up the red wine bottle.)

GRACE Genevra,

GRACE Hi! How are you? Oh it's so nice to see you, it feels like it's been forever!

TRIP Yeah, it has been a long time.

GRACE By the way, you look fabulous!

(GENEVRA puts down the red wine bottle.)

GENEVRA aw thanks you too

GRACE Uh...

GRACE Well, come in, make yourself at home...

GENEVRA sorry

GRACE Uh...

TRIP I'm gonna fix us some drinks.

TRIP Oh and I've got these fancy new cocktail shakers I'm itching to try out.

(Trip closes the front door.)

GENEVRA NEIN!

TRIP Let's have something fun,

TRIP like margaritas?

TRIP Uh, well, I think I'll just make us all margaritas.

GRACE No no,

GRACE Genevra, maybe you'd like some juice, or a mineral water?

TRIP uhh...

GENEVRA juice please

GRACE Okay, Trip, that's what she wants!

TRIP Alright, fine, fine...

TRIP I keep my bar fully stocked with the best money can buy, so we can always do it another time.

TRIP Grace, you don't want to drink anything special tonight either, am I right?

GRACE I'm happy to just have what our guest is having.

TRIP Great.

GRACE So, Genevra, I'm hoping you can help me understand where I went wrong with my new decorating, ha ha.

TRIP Oh, Grace, let's not do that.

TRIP Alright Grace, yours is ready.

GRACE Thanks.

GRACE So, about my decorating...

GRACE (little sigh) With this room I was trying for a kind of post modern style...

TRIP Well yeah, I think that comes across.

GRACE but it is clearly just not happening. This is - (interrupted)

(GENEVRA hugs trip.)

TRIP Oh, heh, you're hugging me...

GRACE How nice of you. Isn't it good to see our friend after so long?

TRIP (clears throat)

GRACE I'm sure I can return most of this, and try to start over again on this room...

GENEVRA can I have my juice please?

(GENEVRA hugs trip.)

TRIP Oh, yeah, you know, I think I'll fix you a real drink in not too long...

(GENEVRA picks up a player's drink.)

TRIP See Grace, no one is complaining about your decorating, there's - (interrupted)

TRIP Oh, ha ha, I -

GRACE Oh, well... you seem to remember how much Trip likes getting attention. - (interrupted)

GENEVRA thanks for the juice

TRIP Alright, good, heh heh, maybe you're on my side tonight after all, ha ha.

GENEVRA apples

GENEVRA ? side?

GRACE Oh let's not bore ourselves with my decorating anymore, I'm redoing the room this week, that's all there is to it.

GRACE Anyway...

GRACE Trip, it's okay if we disagree in front of our friend -

TRIP Disagreeing?! We're NOT disagreeing.

(GENEVRA puts down a player's drink.)

TRIP We're not.

(GENEVRA knocks on the front door.)

(GENEVRA opens the front door.)

TRIP Oh, Genevra, I thought you might like this photo I just put up from our recent trip to Italy.

GRACE Uhh, it's a beautiful picture of the Italian countryside, of course she'll like it!

(Grace sips her Grace's drink.)

TRIP Grace, I know you don't like it, but our friend might.

GRACE (short petulant sigh)

GRACE By the way, anybody, join me on the couch if you like.

(GENEVRA knocks on the front door.)

(GENEVRA closes the front door.)

(GENEVRA knocks on the front door.)

(GENEVRA closes the front door.)

TRIP Um... uhh, Now, Genevra, in one word, what does this picture say to you?

(GENEVRA knocks on the front door.)

(GENEVRA closes the front door.)

GRACE Say to you... say to you... yes, good question, good question. - (interrupted)

GENEVRA rape

TRIP Mmm... no...

GRACE Wait, what's wrong with that? That's a perfectly fine answer!

TRIP (little sigh) No just take a look, this says...

GRACE How about controlling.

TRIP God, I want us to go see the Italian art she likes, so I'm controlling. (little sigh) Just one word for this.

GENEVRA rape

TRIP Grace stayed behind - (interrupted)

TRIP Romance! No it says... romance...!

GRACE Romance? Ha, in our marriage, that's just a code word for manipulation.

TRIP Grace, it'd been such a long time since we'd... had a chance to -

GRACE You planned that trip without even asking me if I wanted to go!

GRACE Genevra, that's not the first time he's done that!

TRIP (annoyed sigh)

GRACE And you knew I planned to attend my friend's art show that weekend!

GRACE A very good friend from college had a gallery show of his new paintings that weekend, and I missed it!

TRIP What?

TRIP Ahh, this is bullshit!

GRACE Ahh, no, you're full of shit!

(GENEVRA knocks on the front door.)

(GENEVRA opens the front door.)

GRACE Goddamn romance...

GRACE Trip, our whole marriage, you're so... controlling!

TRIP (little impatient sigh) Genevra, can you believe this?

(GENEVRA picks up the red wine bottle.)

TRIP (frustrated sigh)

GENEVRA BAI

TRIP What? What - what are you saying to me? What?

TRIP Genevra, where are you going? Don't leave, we need your help here!

TRIP Goddamn manipulation...

TRIP You never listen to me! You don't believe anything I say! You just don't listen.

GRACE Oh, God...!

GENEVRA COME WINE TO MY BED ROOM

TRIP Genevra, hey, don't - don't go! You can't start this - (interrupted)

TRIP Genevra, no, I'm not fixing you a drink right now!

GRACE Goddammit...

GRACE Wait, you're leaving? Now?

TRIP What? Are you talking about me in there?

GRACE I'm not talking to you!

GENEVRA soorry

GRACE Genevra, we're not normally like this, I don't know what's going on...

(GENEVRA puts down the red wine bottle.)

(GENEVRA knocks on the front door.)

(GENEVRA closes the front door.)

(GENEVRA knocks on the front door.)

(GENEVRA closes the front door.)

(GENEVRA knocks on the front door.)

(GENEVRA closes the front door.)

(GENEVRA knocks on the front door.)

(GENEVRA closes the front door.)

GRACE uhh...

GRACE Look, if you want to leave...

(GENEVRA comforts grace.)

GRACE Genevra, from what you said before, about marriage... I think that tells us something about Trip.

TRIP Oh, we're talking about me, are we?

GRACE What?

TRIP Grace, even though you're now a creative director at work, and even though you redecorate the apartment all the time, the truth is... - (interrupted)

TRIP Genevra, come on, I don't feel like fixing drinks at this moment!

GENEVRA I can't grab my juice...

GRACE God, Genevra, I'm getting really tired of talking about Trip's stuff, God... (frustrated sigh) - (interrupted)

(GENEVRA picks up the red wine bottle.)

GRACE Genevra, (frustrated sigh)

(GENEVRA puts down the red wine bottle.)

(GENEVRA picks up the red wine bottle.)

(GENEVRA puts down the red wine bottle.)

(GENEVRA picks up the red wine bottle.)

(GENEVRA puts down the red wine bottle.)

TRIP No we need - we need to talk about us both, not just one.

GRACE Trip, can't you see, it's the way you speak, the way you talk to me...!

TRIP What, I'm not allowed to be angry?

(GENEVRA picks up the red wine bottle.)

(GENEVRA puts down the red wine bottle.)

GRACE Genevra, (annoyed sigh)

(GENEVRA picks up a player's drink.)

TRIP Let's keep talking about us both, not just one of us.

(GENEVRA puts down a player's drink.)

TRIP Grace, we don't - we don't have to do this... things are okay, we can just -

GRACE Genevra, I can't stand the pretending anymore... I can't take it! - (interrupted)

(GENEVRA picks up a Trip's drink.)

(GENEVRA puts down a Trip's drink.)

(GENEVRA picks up the advice ball.)

GRACE All this stuff... mmm... Having all this money makes us so happy. We're so happy, aren't we Trip?

(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")

TRIP Jesus, what do you want! Now you're unhappy because we're too well off?

TRIP Genevra, isn't it - isn't that ridiculous?

(GENEVRA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Why Not")

(GENEVRA puts down the advice ball.)

TRIP Well, I mean, Grace, what do you want?

GRACE Nothing! I want nothing!

GENEVRA trip...your an asshole

TRIP Okay, Genevra, you know what? I think you should leave.

TRIP Genevra, we're through messing around, you've got to go.

GENEVRA GOOD I HATE IT HERE

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP We'll be fine - you should just go.

GENEVRA YOU GAY

(Trip closes the front door.)

GENEVRA ASSHOLE


	7. Chapter 7

FACADE STAGEPLAY Wed Feb 20 18 57 34 2013

TRIP Where are the new wine glasses?

GRACE What for?

TRIP That should be obvious!

GRACE Oh God, Trip, don't turn this into a big production, please!

CHRIS HEY SEXY GRAPEY

TRIP Jesus Grace, come on, I'm not asking a lot here!

(CHRIS knocks on the front door.)

(CHRIS knocks on the front door.)

GRACE What - Trip, don't give me that look! - (interrupted)

TRIP Uhp, she's here!

GRACE What?! You said she's coming an hour from now!

TRIP No, she's supposed to be here now!

GRACE Trip...!

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP Chris!

TRIP Hey! It's been too long! - (interrupted)

CHRIS YOU CAN DIE... JK

(Trip closes the front door.)

CHRIS JUST KIDDING


	8. Chapter 8

FACADE STAGEPLAY Wed Feb 20 19 11 26 2013

TRIP Where are the new wine glasses?

GRACE What for?

TRIP That should be obvious!

GRACE Oh God, Trip, don't turn this into a big production, please!

TRIP Jesus Grace, come on, I'm not asking a lot here!

GRACE What - Trip, don't give me that look!

GRACE You're going to drive me crazy!

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP Chris!

TRIP Hey! I thought I heard someone out here! Great to see you! It's been a while, how's it going?

CHRIS GOOD

TRIP Great!

TRIP Ha ha ha!

TRIP Wow, it's really really great to see you.

TRIP Come on in!

CHRIS my name is angel!

TRIP Uh, let me go get Grace...

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

CHRIS ass

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

(CHRIS knocks on the front door.)

(CHRIS closes the front door.)

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

(CHRIS points to the italy picture.)

(CHRIS points to the italy picture.)

(CHRIS points to the italy picture.)

(CHRIS points to the italy picture.)

GRACE Chris,

GRACE Hi! How are you? I'm so happy to see you after so long! - (interrupted)

CHRIS HEROW

GRACE Uh...

GRACE Well, come in, make yourself at home...

CHRIS I missed you grace

GRACE Oh, Chris, you've always got such nice things to say.

GRACE H-mmm (happy smile sound)

GRACE By the way, you look fabulous!

CHRIS so glad to see you again.

GRACE So, - (interrupted)

GRACE Oh, yeah, well - I want to ask you...

GRACE (little sigh) You know, when I look at this wedding picture, hanging here in this room...

TRIP Yeah everyone notices it when they come in.

GRACE it obviously just does not go anymore... I mean, with my new decorating and all.

TRIP Oh, Grace... (little impatient sigh)

CHRIS babies!

TRIP See, Grace, no one has a problem with your decorating, it's fine!

GRACE Well, I plan to return most of this anyhow. This room needs to be redone.

TRIP (little sigh)

CHRIS why?

GRACE Oh I didn't want my decorating to become a major topic of conversation tonight... I'm going to get it redone this week, so...

TRIP Heh heh, Chris, seeing you brings back good memories, you know?

GRACE Yes, it does. H-mmm (happy smile - (interrupted)

CHRIS memories?

TRIP Oh, well, uh, we've, uh... we've missed you.

TRIP Whoa I just realized something!

GRACE What...

TRIP We have to celebrate! Tonight's a special night!

GRACE It is?

CHRIS I missed you guys too!

TRIP Oh, ha ha, thanks -

GRACE Chris, you're always so sweet to us. Isn't she sweet.

TRIP (clears throat) - (interrupted)

CHRIS ...

TRIP So, ten years ago... that's when you introduced us, right?

CHRIS yea

TRIP We really want to thank you for years and years of...

GRACE Pain.

TRIP Heh heh heh... Agony. - (interrupted)

CHRIS PAIN?

TRIP Uh, n - n - no, heh, it's, uh - it's great you could be here tonight.

(Trip shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Sounds good.

CHRIS I'm sorry I caused pain.

TRIP N - no, no...

TRIP (little sigh) - (interrupted)

CHRIS goodbye

GRACE W - wait, wait, what's wrong, Trip?

(CHRIS knocks on the front door.)

(CHRIS opens the front door.)

GRACE Trip, there's nothing wrong with disagreeing in front - (interrupted)

TRIP Chris, what's going on, are you thinking of leaving?

CHRIS MY NAME IS ANGEL!

TRIP Just come back in, you're making us think you want to leave.

CHRIS ...fine

TRIP Okay, anyway... I forget what we were talking about...

(CHRIS knocks on the front door.)

(CHRIS closes the front door.)

CHRIS babies

GRACE Oh, well, please, go look at Trip's Italy photo...

TRIP Oh, Chris, I thought you might like this photo I just put up from our recent trip to Italy.

GRACE Uhh, it's a beautiful picture of the Italian countryside, of course she'll like it!

TRIP Grace, I know you don't like it, but our friend might.

GRACE (short petulant sigh)

CHRIS I don't like country sides...

GRACE By the way, anybody, join me on the couch if you like.

TRIP Um... uhh, Now, - (interrupted)

CHRIS ok

GRACE Chris, this is making you uncomfortable. See Trip, was it really worth it to fly us all the way to Italy so you could take that inane picture?

(CHRIS sits on the couch.)

GRACE (little sigh) I'll take the picture down later tonight before I go to bed.

TRIP Grace...!

TRIP (short petulant sigh)

TRIP Chris, - (interrupted)

CHRIS ok

TRIP Y - yeah, uh - no, n - no - I just - I just wanted us to spend time together!

GRACE Trip thinks carting me off to Europe will, how did you put it, thaw me out a little bit?

TRIP uhh...

TRIP Huh, y - you two are really getting along well tonight...

TRIP Oh no, Chris, I just realized... I'm sorry!

GRACE What?!

TRIP I haven't gotten us drinks!

GRACE tuhh...

TRIP Oh this is good because I just bought these classy new cocktail shakers I need us to try - (interrupted)

CHRIS I don't drink

TRIP N - n - no, no, heh, we need drinks!

GRACE Trip thinks he's at his classiest when he's on the serving end of a swizzle stick.

TRIP Why don't I make us one of my new drink inventions,

TRIP I call it Grace's Inner Soul.

TRIP It's a mixture of chardonnay, bitters and lots of ice.

CHRIS I DON'T DRINK! PEER PREASURE

TRIP No?

GRACE Trip, darling, that's not what she wants.

GRACE It's a secret - Trip doesn't even like the taste of alcohol.

(CHRIS gets up from the couch.)

TRIP What?! So, uhh,

TRIP Chris, how - how does that sound?

GRACE Chris, Trip's getting a little carried away... maybe you just want some juice, or a mineral water?

CHRIS may I have some juice?

TRIP (exhale very - (interrupted)

TRIP Yeah, no, I'm going to make this drink for us!

TRIP Our friend is here, we're going to enjoy ourselves, that's all there is to it!

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

TRIP Grace, everybody loves my drinks, you know that, don't you? Everybody!

CHRIS juice please.

GRACE Well, of course Trip, after all, you got enough practice when you were a real bartender.

TRIP What?

GRACE In college, you were a bartender.

TRIP How do you know about that?

GRACE Oh I know you were trying to keep it a big secret, but... one time my friends and I went slumming off-campus to some crappy bar in the sticks, and we saw you there.

TRIP Oh, that's great.

TRIP Uhh, you're driving me insane!

TRIP Goddamn slumming it off campus...

TRIP You hide things from me! You're so distant! You...

TRIP You do, you hide things from me!

GRACE (impatient sigh) Chris, I...

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

CHRIS YOU HIDE STUFF TO TRIP!

GRACE What? What are you saying to me?

GRACE Thaw me out...

GRACE Trip, you think you're so romantic... but no you're trying to manipulate me!

TRIP Oh, god...!

(CHRIS hugs grace.)

TRIP Alright, you know what, Chris,

TRIP I'm going to ask you something.

GRACE Trip -

TRIP Grace, let me ask our guest a question.

TRIP Chris, yes or no...

TRIP Marriage is about saying yes to the other person, even if you're not sure about it, right?

CHRIS NO

GRACE What? - (interrupted)

TRIP What...?!

TRIP Oh, alright... yeah...

TRIP Uhh, I try so hard to reach out to you, Grace, and you reject me! You're cold! You're distant! I can't keep going this way, it's killing me!

GRACE Oh, that's great Trip!

GRACE Uhh! Yeah, good, go away!

CHRIS are you blonde?

GRACE I can't stand you!

GRACE Oh, God!

(CHRIS comforts grace.)

GRACE No, wait, please...

TRIP Grace, are you talking about me?

GRACE What do you care?

CHRIS it's ok grace

GRACE Chris, - (interrupted)

(CHRIS comforts grace.)

GRACE Chris, (annoyed sigh) Trip is sometimes so...

TRIP Oh, we're talking about me, are we?

GRACE What?

TRIP Grace, we don't - we don't have to do this... things are okay, we can just -

GRACE Chris, I can't stand the pretending anymore... I can't take it!

CHRIS is there a door there?

TRIP Look around here. We're doing well, really well.

GRACE God, Trip, I can't believe even now you're still...

TRIP Oh yeah, you'd never admit that I've created a good life for us.

GRACE Dammit Trip!

TRIP Chris, where are you going? Don't leave the room, we need your help out here!

GRACE Let's continue focusing on Trip.

GRACE Damn it, Trip, you and my parents are always planning these stupid trips I have to go on..

TRIP They're vacations! Expensive ones at that!

GRACE Of course nobody thinks to ask me what I want.

CHRIS can I have my juice

TRIP Chris, does it look like I want to fix you drinks right now?

GRACE No let's - let's focus on us, our relationship.

GRACE I think Trip's afraid of visiting his parents. He does everything he can to avoid seeing them.

TRIP Afraid of my parents?! My parents are idiots.

GRACE No, it's true...

(CHRIS picks up the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Yes")

CHRIS yes

GRACE Yes?

GRACE Ah, that helps him.

TRIP What!? That's ridiculous. Why would I - why would I be afraid of their stupid meatloafs and their tacky house and their crappy wine...?

CHRIS rape?

TRIP Okay, Chris, you know what? I think you should leave.

TRIP Chris, Jesus, we've had enough, you've got to go.

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP We'll be fine - you just have to go.

(Trip closes the front door.)

CHRIS but I never got my juice...

(CHRIS shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")

(CHRIS shakes the advice ball.)


	9. Chapter 9

FACADE STAGEPLAY Wed Feb 20 21 00 55 2013

TRIP Where are the new wine glasses?

GRACE What for?

TRIP That should be obvious!

GRACE Oh God, Trip, don't turn this into a big production, please!

TRIP Jesus Grace, come on, I'm not asking a lot here!

GRACE What - Trip, don't give me that look!

GRACE You're going to drive me crazy!

GONZALO your both...assholes...

(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)

(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP Gonzalo!

TRIP Hey! I thought I heard someone out here! God it's been so long since we've seen you! How are you doing, man?

GONZALO good you?

TRIP Well, I can see we're going to get along well tonight!

TRIP Come on in!

TRIP Uh, let me go get Grace...

(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)

(GONZALO knocks on the front door.)

(GONZALO closes the front door.)

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

GONZALO how come trip always gets thedoor

GRACE Gonzalo,

GRACE Hi! How are you? I'm so happy to see you after so long!

TRIP Hey, that's what I said!

GRACE By the way, you look wonderful!

GONZALO so do you

GRACE Uh...

GRACE So, come in, make yourself at home...

GONZALO how are you guys?

TRIP Oh, - (interrupted)

TRIP What? No, I'm good, we're good, everything's good...

TRIP (clears throat) - (interrupted)

GONZALO you sure?

GRACE Gonzalo, come over here and sit on the couch with me.

TRIP No, hold on. Now, - (interrupted)

GRACE Trip, darling, your obsession with that photo of yours is making our friend uncomfortable.

TRIP (little sigh)

GONZALO photo?

TRIP Oh... you know our wedding picture is the first thing everyone notices when they enter the room.

GRACE Well, geez, how could they miss it?

TRIP Well, yeah...

GRACE You know I don't think it really goes with this room anymore.

TRIP Ha ha, well, you're in a contrary mood tonight, Grace.

TRIP (clears throat)

GRACE Yeah, I'm hoping you can help me understand where I went wrong with my new decorating, ha ha.

GONZALO it's huge...like my face.

TRIP Well, it's impressive... even after a full day's work designing magazine ads, Grace somehow finds time to decorate... - (interrupted)

GRACE Oh, um, well... I want to ask you...

GRACE (little sigh) You know, when I look at this wedding picture, hanging here in this room...

TRIP Yeah everyone notices it when they come in.

GRACE it obviously just does not go anymore... I mean, with my new decorating and all.

TRIP Oh, Grace... (little impatient sigh)

GONZALO get a new frame for it.

GRACE Ah, yes, I've been waiting for someone to say that!

TRIP What are you talking about?

GRACE Trip, he is just being honest about my decorating, which I appreciate.

TRIP No, but I'm just trying to be honest -

GRACE Trip, don't worry about it. Decorating is just not your thing, that's all.

TRIP (frustrated sigh)

TRIP Huh, y - you two are really getting along well tonight...

GRACE (big sigh)

GONZALO juice?

TRIP Oh, yeah, uh, I'm gonna fix us some drinks in a sec!

TRIP And please, please, we need to break in my new expensive set of cocktail making accessories.

GRACE Listen to us, we're arguing in front of our friend.

TRIP Grace, come on, it's not helping things for you to say that...

GRACE Trip, it's okay if we disagree in front of our friend -

TRIP We're NOT disagreeing.

TRIP We're - we're - we're not disagreeing.

TRIP (frustrated sigh) Sheejus.

TRIP So... drinks...

GRACE Trip would try to serve you one of his high class drinks before even saying hello if he could.

(GONZALO picks up the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "No")

(GONZALO shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Why don't I make us one of my new drink inventions,

(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")

TRIP I call it Grace's Inner Soul.

(GONZALO shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP It's a mixture of chardonnay, bitters and lots of ice.

(The advice ball reads, "Maybe Later")

(GONZALO shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE It's a secret - Trip doesn't even like the taste of alcohol.

(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")

TRIP What?! So, uhh,

(GONZALO shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Gonzalo, how - how does that sound?

(The advice ball reads, "Never")

GONZALO juice please

TRIP You - you don't want my invention?

GRACE Gonzalo, Trip's getting a little carried away... maybe you just want some juice, or a mineral water?

(GONZALO puts down the advice ball.)

TRIP (exhale very tense)

GONZALO yes juice please

TRIP Yeah, no, I'm going to make this drink for us!

TRIP Our friend is here, we're going to enjoy ourselves, that's all there is to it!

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

TRIP Grace, everybody loves my drinks, you know that, don't you? Everybody!

GRACE Well, of course Trip, after all, you got enough practice when you were a real bartender.

TRIP What?

GRACE In college, you were a bartender.

TRIP How do you know about that?

GRACE Oh I know you were trying to keep it a big secret, but... one time my friends and I went slumming off-campus to some crappy bar in the sticks, and we saw you there.

TRIP Oh, that's great.

GONZALO I don't really drink that much...

TRIP Uhh, you're driving me insane!

TRIP Goddamn slumming it off campus... - (interrupted)

GONZALO I'm sorry

TRIP What? What - what are you saying to me? What?

TRIP You hide things from me! You're so distant! You...

GONZALO I'm sorry

TRIP You do, - (interrupted)

TRIP Okay, yeah yeah, I hear you, alright?

GRACE (impatient sigh) Gonzalo, can you believe this?

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

TRIP Uh huh, you...

TRIP I can guess what you're about to say...

TRIP How you keep talking about the goddamn wedding picture.

GONZALO no I can't

TRIP What? I - w - what are you saying to me, what?

GRACE Your goddamn drink inventions...

GRACE Don't you dare accuse me of being... sexually... un... when you treat me the way you do!

TRIP Oh, Jesus...!

TRIP Goddamn manipulation...

TRIP Grace, I - I just want to be together, and be happy, can you just see that?

GRACE Oh, sure, yeah!

TRIP Can't we just do that?

TRIP Alright, you know what, Gonzalo,

GONZALO trip, grace please stop fighting.

TRIP I'm going to ask you something.

GRACE Trip -

TRIP Grace, let me ask our guest a question.

TRIP Gonzalo, yes or no...

TRIP Isn't the goal in life, and in marriage, to improve your life, to have more than you did before?

GRACE What?

TRIP I mean, shouldn't you get married so you can have a better, richer life than before?

TRIP Yes or no.

GONZALO um...I guess...

TRIP What...?!

TRIP Oh, yeah, that's fine... that's fine...

TRIP Grace, you won't let me be who I want to be! Who - who I am! This is who I am now! Goddammit!

GRACE Oh, my God...!

GRACE Uhh! Yeah, good, get away from me!

GONZALO sorry if I told the truth.

GRACE I can't stand you!

GRACE Oh, God!

GRACE uhh!

(GONZALO comforts grace.)

GRACE No, don't, please...

GONZALO it's gonna be ok bro

TRIP Grace, what the hell are you saying about me in there?

GRACE I wasn't talking about you!

(GONZALO comforts grace.)

(GONZALO comforts grace.)

GRACE Gonzalo, - (interrupted)

GRACE Oh, Gonzalo, thanks, but, what we need right now is to just get all this out in the open...

TRIP Grace, we don't - we don't have to do this... things are okay, we can just -

GRACE Gonzalo, I can't stand the pretending anymore... I can't take it!

TRIP No, Grace, we can... I mean, come on, don't make it out to be so bad...

GONZALO WHAT'S HAPPENING!?

GRACE Uhh...

TRIP Gonzalo, explain this to me!

GRACE Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us.

TRIP It's so annoying... Grace, why is it that anytime I want to do something nice for you, you resist it?

GRACE Trip...

TRIP Like I always have to convince you?

GONZALO I'm in the shelves...:D

GRACE Gonzalo, you know, we... uhh...

GRACE No I - I want to talk about Trip.

TRIP Heh... you know, the worst is when I come home from a business trip... - (interrupted)

GONZALO bro...get out of my face trip.

TRIP Alright, Gonzalo, that's it, you've got to leave.

GONZALO no ! my juice!

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP We'll be fine - you just have to go.

(Trip closes the front door.)

GONZALO YOU SUCLK


	10. Chapter 10

FACADE STAGEPLAY Wed Feb 20 21 21 55 2013

GRACE Trip, when are you going to get rid of this?

TRIP What, Grace... this?

GRACE Yes, you know how I feel about it -

TRIP I know I know I'll do it right now, alright?!

GRACE You know I've had to ask you about this several -

TRIP Get off my back! I'll get rid of it in just a minute!

HEATHER .

GRACE Fine, Trip... fine...

(HEATHER knocks on the front door.)

(HEATHER knocks on the front door.)

TRIP Uhp, she's here!

GRACE What?! You told me it'd be an hour from now!

(HEATHER knocks on the front door.)

(HEATHER knocks on the front door.)

TRIP No, she's supposed to be here now!

HEATHER LET ME IN!

GRACE God... Trip!

(HEATHER knocks on the front door.)

(HEATHER knocks on the front door.)

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP Heather!

HEATHER 8 BALL!

TRIP Hey! It's been too long! - (interrupted)

(HEATHER hugs trip.)

TRIP Yeah, hi!

TRIP Wow, it's so great to see you after so long.

TRIP Well come on in!

TRIP Uh, let me go get Grace...

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

(HEATHER knocks on the front door.)

(HEATHER closes the front door.)

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

(HEATHER picks up the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Maybe Later")

(HEATHER sits on the couch.)

GRACE Heather,

GRACE Hi! How are you? Oh it's so nice to see you, it feels like it's been forever!

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Yeah, how - how are you doing?

(The advice ball reads, "Never")

GRACE I just asked her that...

TRIP Well I'm asking her too!

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

HEATHER I'm good how about you guys?

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE Aw, ha ha ha!

(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")

GRACE By the way, you look fabulous!

GRACE Make yourself at home, come on in!

GRACE So, Heather, - (interrupted)

HEATHER I really like your top grace.

PHONE ** RING **

GRACE Oh, I'll get it -

TRIP No, no no no, our friend's here, we can let the answering machine get it.

PHONE ** RING **

HEATHER phone? MANDOLIN?

PHONE ** RING **

TRIP What? Wait, wait, let's just wait for the answering machine...

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")

PHONE ** RING **

ANSWERING MACHINE ** click **

ANSWERING MACHINE You've reached the fabulous new home of Grace and Trip. Leave us a message!

HEATHER can I use your phone?

ANSWERING MACHINE ** beep **

TRIP Oh, well, hold on... (clears throat)

ANSWERING MACHINE Travis, are you there, it's your mother, I haven't heard from you and Grace in a while,

GRACE Anyhow, Trip's parents... They're sweet people, really down to earth -

TRIP Uhh, no, they're ignorant, they wouldn't know what a cumberbund from a cucumber.

ANSWERING MACHINE I'm just calling to find out if you've settled in to your new apartment, that's all...

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

ANSWERING MACHINE Give me a call if you're not travelling, I know you're travelling a lot these days.

ANSWERING MACHINE Okay, that's all, bye Travis.

HEATHER I doubt it? awwww...

TRIP Wha... uh...

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE Oh, Trip, she's just teasing you... It's good, we all need that once in a while.

(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Why Not")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Heh heh ha ha ha ha, ha...

(The advice ball reads, "Maybe Later")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE So, about my decorating...

(The advice ball reads, "It's Definite")

GRACE (little sigh) You know, when I saw this armoire on the show floor, I thought it had such a clean, simple look to it...

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Never")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP It's a nice choice.

GRACE but looking at it here in the apartment, it just looks like...

(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")

GRACE (little sigh) a monstrosity!

TRIP uhh...

HEATHER mabye we should paint it...

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE You...

GRACE You think we should...

(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")

GRACE make art...

HEATHER yes

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Ha ha, ha, oh, you're - you're quite the kidder tonight, ha ha ha...

(The advice ball reads, "Why Not")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Yes")

HEATHER why not?

GRACE Ha ha, yeah...

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Ha, never afraid to push our buttons, ha ha ha, heh... - (interrupted)

(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")

TRIP Well, it's impressive... even after a full day's work designing magazine ads, Grace somehow finds time to decorate...

GRACE Ha ha, I guess it's just the artist in me dying to get out.

HEATHER painting is awesome...

TRIP See Grace, no one is complaining about your decorating, there's nothing - (interrupted)

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE Oh... well... thanks -

(The advice ball reads, "Why Not")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Well that's a nice thing to say. It's nice to hear, hmm, Grace?

(The advice ball reads, "Never")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE (clears throat)

(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Maybe Later")

GRACE (big sigh)

GRACE Oh God, Heather, I hope you didn't come here tonight to be entertained...

TRIP What?

GRACE Listen to us, we're arguing in front of our friend.

HEATHER what happened to the music?

TRIP Grace, come on, that kind of statement is not helpful... - (interrupted)

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP What...?

TRIP Huh, y - you two are really getting along well tonight...

(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Heather, I - I want you to look at this photo from our recent trip to Italy...

(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Yes")

GRACE (impatient sigh) Trip, maybe our friend would prefer -

(HEATHER gets up from the couch.)

TRIP Grace, just because you don't like it, doesn't mean our friend won't...

TRIP So, come on, I - I want you to look at this! - (interrupted)

GRACE Heather, come over here and sit on the couch with me.

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Grace...!

TRIP Now, now, Heather, - (interrupted)

(The advice ball reads, "Who Knows")

GRACE Trip, you see, your fetish for all things European is making our friend very uncomfortable!

TRIP Goddammit, Grace, this was supposed to be our second honeymoon!

GRACE What? Heather, Trip is absolutely exaggerating, it was simply a weekend getaway, that's all. - (interrupted)

TRIP Jesus, I was trying to find a way - (interrupted)

HEATHER maybe I should go...

TRIP Wait - see - I just wanted to spend time together!

GRACE All those business trips of yours to Europe must have done something to you.

TRIP uhh!

TRIP Oh my God, Heather, oh my God, I am so bad...

(HEATHER puts down the advice ball.)

GRACE What?!

TRIP I haven't gotten us drinks!

GRACE tuhh...

TRIP Oh it's good because you will be the first to try my recently acquired set of imported drinking glasses.

HEATHER I don't drink...

TRIP W - w - w - wait, I, uh, I want to make you one of my drink inventions!

GRACE It's a secret - Trip doesn't even like the taste of alcohol.

TRIP What?! So, uhh,

TRIP Heather, how - how does that sound?

HEATHER but I don't drink...

TRIP No?

GRACE Trip, dear, don't force your fancy drinks on her.

GRACE Heather, I think you'd prefer something simple and light, like a nice glass of chardonnay, yes?

TRIP (exhale very tense)

HEATHER juice please

TRIP Yeah, no, I'm going to make this drink for us!

TRIP Our friend is here, we're going to enjoy ourselves, that's all there is to it!

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

TRIP Grace, everybody loves my drinks, you know that, don't you? Everybody!

GRACE Well, of course Trip, after all, you got enough practice when you were a real bartender.

(HEATHER picks up the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP What?

GRACE In college, you were a bartender.

(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")

TRIP How do you know about that?

GRACE Oh I know you were trying to keep it a big secret, but... one time my friends and I went slumming off-campus to some crappy bar in the sticks, and we saw you there.

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Oh, that's great.

(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")

TRIP Uhh, you're driving me insane!

GRACE Ahh, no, I'm the one going insane!

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "No")

GRACE Your big bartender secret...

GRACE I wish you would just be yourself! Ever since I've known you, you resist - (interrupted)

HEATHER insane?

GRACE Look, you're going to really make it bad if you keep criticizing me!

TRIP (little impatient sigh) - (interrupted)

HEATHER I'm sorry

GRACE What, what are you saying?

TRIP Goddamn more real...

TRIP I like my fancy drinks, okay? I like the good things in life, does that make me a bad person? Their just drinks!

GRACE Oh, God...!

(HEATHER sits on the couch.)

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE Alright, you know what, Heather,

(The advice ball reads, "It's Definite")

GRACE I need to ask you something.

TRIP Grace -

GRACE Trip, let me ask our guest a question.

GRACE Heather, yes or no...

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE If there was a thing about yourself you didn't like, but your husband or wife likes it, is it still okay to hide it?

(The advice ball reads, "Yes")

TRIP What...?!

HEATHER no.

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Oh, okay... sure...

(The advice ball reads, "Never")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Grace, you won't let me be who I want to be! Who - who I am! This is who I am now! Goddammit!

GRACE Oh, don't even...!

(The advice ball reads, "Why Not")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE Uhh! Yeah, good, go away!

(The advice ball reads, "Never")

(HEATHER gets up from the couch.)

GRACE I can't stand you!

GRACE Oh, God!

(HEATHER sits on the couch.)

(HEATHER gets up from the couch.)

GRACE uhh!

(HEATHER puts down the advice ball.)

GRACE Heather, I - I'm sorry... this is a disaster...

HEATHER it's ok

(HEATHER hugs grace.)

GRACE Oh... Heather, I - I...

TRIP What? Are you talking about me in there?

GRACE I wasn't talking about you!

TRIP Heather, in what you said before, about marriage... I think that shows us something about Grace.

GRACE Oh, we're talking about me, are we?

TRIP What?

(HEATHER picks up the advice ball.)

GRACE All this stuff... mmm... Having all this money makes us so happy. We're so happy, aren't we Trip?

(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")

TRIP Jesus, what do you want! Now you're unhappy because we're too well off?

(HEATHER sits on the couch.)

TRIP Heather, isn't it - isn't that ridiculous?

HEATHER no.

GRACE No?

GRACE Heather, thank you. That helps me. Trip, see, I don't want all this stuff!

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")

TRIP (annoyed sigh)

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Let's keep our focus on - (interrupted)

TRIP Heather, look around this apartment. It's got everything anyone would ever want. But, Grace, oh no, she's never satisfied.

GRACE Trip, ... ugh ... I'm so sick of this.

(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")

TRIP Well, heh, I - I mean, we - heh - we - we've got everything...

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE Trip, you just don't... uhh.

(The advice ball reads, "Yes")

GRACE No let's - let's focus on us, our relationship.

GRACE I think Trip's afraid of visiting his parents. He does everything he can to avoid seeing them.

TRIP Afraid of my parents?! My parents are idiots.

GRACE No, it's true...

HEATHER inamimate objects can't love ubacj

GRACE No?

TRIP See Grace, that's ridiculous. The only thing I'm afraid of is their bad taste might rub off on us... ha ha!

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

HEATHER you are afraid of your parents trip

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Ah!

GRACE Heather, You're saying I'm... afraid?

(The advice ball reads, "No")

TRIP You know, heh... whenever we go to visit Grace's parents, she - (interrupted)

HEATHER no

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE No?

GRACE Trip, if you like them so much, just go by yourself. Nobody cares if I'm there or not anyway.

(The advice ball reads, "Maybe Later")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")

TRIP But, Grace... Uhh.

GRACE Uhh...

GRACE Look, why don't we talk about us, our relationship.

GRACE Trip, you just pretend to like all this stuff... fancy cigars, and fine wine...

TRIP You think I'm not good - (interrupted)

HEATHER why am I here?

GRACE Why?

GRACE Heather, thank you, that helps us. Trip, I know that you like to hang out at the little sports bar on the corner.

(HEATHER gets up from the couch.)

TRIP What... what - n - no... I, I - I mean...

GRACE Trip, it's alright.

TRIP Uhh...

TRIP Okay, I've had enough of this bullshit!

(HEATHER puts down the advice ball.)

TRIP Heather, I know what you're trying to hint at...

(HEATHER knocks on the front door.)

(HEATHER opens the front door.)

TRIP about us...

TRIP about our lifestyle...

(HEATHER picks up the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")

TRIP Do you really want the truth? Huh?

TRIP Heather, - (interrupted)

HEATHER I'm poor.

TRIP Grace, huh?

GRACE Yes...!

TRIP Heather, see I've actually been paying close attention to what you've been saying.

TRIP You've really been pushing me tonight.

HEATHER you have?

TRIP Don't run away!

TRIP It makes me wonder if you're really my friend or not.

GRACE Trip!

TRIP Heather, Quit interrupting me, let me speak!

HEATHER I'm grace's friend

TRIP Heather, come on - yes or no...

TRIP Do you really think that...

TRIP criticizing Grace...

TRIP praising Grace...

TRIP criticizing me...

TRIP saying that Grace is afraid...

TRIP but especially what you said about having more in life and marriage...

TRIP and you don't even say 'yes' when I ask you if you want the truth...

TRIP that all that is supposed to help us realize something about us?

TRIP Don't try to hide!

TRIP Is what you've said tonight supposed to add up somehow, to something?

TRIP Is it? Just give me a yes or no.

TRIP This is not a trick question.

TRIP No? Huh, well, I thought it did add up to something, actually.

TRIP Grace...

TRIP uhh...

TRIP See... I'm... ashamed of my parents.

GRACE What!? Your parents are great.

GRACE I love seeing them...

TRIP I know, I know. But compared to yours... they're so ... ignorant.

GRACE But they're real. I hate how my parents are pretending to be something -

TRIP I've tried hard to be like your family -

GRACE Trip... really? ... I don't -

TRIP But I feel like a phony. I feel like I can never get rid of my past.

TRIP It's kind of like I don't know who I am anymore.

HEATHER what's happening?

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Who Knows")

TRIP uhh...

GRACE uhh...

GRACE Oh my God...!

TRIP Heather, I -

HEATHER 8 ball your no help.

GRACE I'm going to give you the truth too, Trip.

TRIP What?!

GRACE Trip...

GRACE Through our whole marriage... I've let you dominate me.

HEATHER I LOVE YOUR ASS GRACE

TRIP Dominate you...? What? I don't -

GRACE As a kid my parents took care of everything, bought me whatever I wanted...

GRACE made decisions for me.

TRIP But Grace -

GRACE Trip - I've used you - and our apartment full of expensive crap - to hide.

GRACE to hide.

GRACE To avoid responsibility for myself.

TRIP Oh, come on, don't -

GRACE I can't avoid growing up forever, Trip.

TRIP Jesus...

GRACE uhh...

HEATHER mah juice will never get here...

TRIP Jesus...!

TRIP Okay, Heather, Grace, I have one more thing to say...

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE Again?!

(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")

HEATHER I LOVE YOU

TRIP Grace...

TRIP uhh...

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP I'm - I'm just... af - afraid of... of being poor.

(The advice ball reads, "Never")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE Poor? Trip, we have so much! What do you -

(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Who Knows")

TRIP It never feels like enough!

HEATHER like love

TRIP As a kid... it - it was... My family was always on the edge.

GRACE So you weren't rich, but -

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP We even spent six months in a shelter once.

(The advice ball reads, "Yes")

GRACE Oh my God...!

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP All of this stuff...

(The advice ball reads, "Who Knows")

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Is a kind of protection from that ever happening again.

(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")

TRIP uhh...

GRACE uhh...

GRACE Oh my God...!

HEATHER fucktards...(walks away)

GRACE This changes everything...

TRIP Yeah.

TRIP You... you're telling me I've controlled you.

HEATHER LET ME LEAVE ELEVATOR!

GRACE You... you're terribly afraid of being poor.

TRIP You - you think I'm a phony for despising my upbringing...

GRACE But at least you had a real upbringing, it's me who had a fake one...

TRIP Heather, I -

GRACE Heather, we...

TRIP Look, we - we need to talk...

GRACE Yeah.

TRIP And no, Heather, you don't need to say anything more...

TRIP Heather, Thanks for coming over, you... I think you helped us.

HEATHER PIE

GRACE Bye. Thanks.

HEATHER your welcome

(Trip closes the front door.)

HEATHER what did I do?

(HEATHER shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Who Knows")


	11. Chapter 11

FACADE STAGEPLAY Fri Mar 01 15 58 34 2013

GRACE Trip, when are you going to get rid of this?

TRIP What, Grace... this?

GRACE Yes, you know how I feel about it -

TRIP I know I know I'll do it right now, alright?!

GRACE You know I've had to ask you about this several -

TRIP Get off my back! I'll get rid of it in just a minute!

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

TRIP Uhp, she's here!

(Lisa knocks on the front door.)

GRACE What?! You said she's coming an hour from now!

TRIP No, she's supposed to be here now!

GRACE Trip...!

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP Lisa!

TRIP Ah I'm so happy you could make it! We haven't seen you in so long, how's it going?

LISA Yo

TRIP Yeah, hi!

TRIP Wow, it's so great to see you after so long.

(LISA hugs trip.)

TRIP Come on in!

TRIP Uh, it'll be just a sec while I go get Grace...

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

(LISA picks up the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Maybe Later")

TRIP (unintelligable arguing)

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Never")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")

GRACE No, no, here we are!

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Who Knows")

GRACE Lisa,

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE Hi! How are you? I'm so happy to see you after so long!

(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Maybe Later")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Yeah, yeah, how are you doing? - (interrupted)

(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")

GRACE Uh, I just asked her that...

TRIP Well, I can ask her too!

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

LISA You scared me dammit!

GRACE (frustrated sigh) - (interrupted)

(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")

GRACE Uh...

GRACE Well, anyway... make yourself at home...

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Whoops, I need to go close the door. - (interrupted)

LISA I will.

GRACE Uh...

(The advice ball reads, "Yes")

(Trip closes the front door.)

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Maybe Later")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

LISA Ahh, my face!

(The advice ball reads, "Who Knows")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "No")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Why Not")

LISA So how are you?

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")

LISA Please speak to me.

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")

LISA ... Why do you hate me?

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "It's Definite")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "No")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

LISA STOP SMILING!

(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Never")

LISA You have a fat ass.

LISA WHY ARE YOU SITTING THERE?!

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Yes")

LISA JUST SAY SOMETHING.

LISA Fine.

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(LISA puts down the advice ball.)

TRIP Oh that - that's just a little joke advice giver toy thing that I like to consult now and then... - (interrupted)

(LISA kisses grace.)

GRACE Oh, yes, mm-wah! (kiss on cheek) You're so sweet.

(LISA picks up the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "It's Definite")

PHONE ** RING **

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(LISA puts down the advice ball.)

LISA My hands are all buttery.

TRIP Oh, I'll get it -

PHONE ** RING **

GRACE No, no, we have a guest, we can let the answering machine pick it up.

GRACE What? Wait, wait, let's just wait for the answering machine...

PHONE ** RING **

(LISA picks up the phone.)

PHONE Grace? Hello?

GRACE Lisa, no! Please don't do that.

LISA Herro?

PHONE Who is this? Grace is that you?

GRACE Uhh, it's my dad, I can hear his voice.

PHONE I don't recognize your voice...

LISA How are you?

TRIP Oh!

PHONE Excuse me, I must have the wrong number... ** click **

GRACE Okay, he's being annoying, as usual... just - just hang it up.

LISA I don't want to.

TRIP I wanted to say hello -

GRACE No no, Trip, we're entertaining a friend in our new apartment...

GRACE the last thing I want to do is talk to my - (interrupted)

LISA Well, he sounds nice to me.

TRIP Huh? No, we're good, I'm good, everything's good...

TRIP (clears throat)

TRIP Well, Grace's parents... They're something else, really classy people -

(LISA puts down the phone.)

GRACE Uhh, no, they're impossible, they're always expecting me to act like the dutiful daughter, it's so annoying. - (interrupted)

LISA I flung it! D:

GRACE No no, you've, you've done quite enough with my parents tonight, let's not talk about them anymore... (clears - (interrupted)

(LISA hugs grace.)

(LISA kisses grace.)

TRIP uh... ha heh heh...

GRACE (nervous coughing)

TRIP what...

TRIP you, uh...

GRACE (nervous coughing)

LISA I'm sorry, my friend made me!

TRIP ha ha, heh...

GRACE ha ha...

TRIP heh, ha ha ha!

(LISA points to the wedding photo.)

GRACE ha ha ha ha ha!

TRIP Ha ha ha, Lisa,

TRIP you're, heh, something else... heh... never afraid to...

GRACE heh heh...

(LISA sits on the couch.)

TRIP put us on the spot...

TRIP heh heh, you're crazy, you know that?

TRIP ha ha...

TRIP (big sigh)

LISA This is why I can't have friends...

TRIP Anyway... what were we talking about, heh?

TRIP I'm gonna fix us some drinks.

TRIP Ah, you'll be the first to sample from my new set of imported - (interrupted)

LISA Hell no.

TRIP W - wait, uh, uh - we need drinks.

TRIP What would you like?

TRIP How about something fun,

TRIP like a cosmopolitan?

TRIP I'm a real expert at fixing these, at least that's what everybody tells me.

GRACE We don't need to make a - (interrupted)

LISA I'm only four. D:

TRIP Uh, well, you know what, I'm just going to make you a cosmopolitan.

GRACE No no,

GRACE Lisa, maybe you'd like some juice, or a mineral water?

TRIP Oh come on...

LISA You need to go to prison...

TRIP You know what why I don't I just open a bottle of merlot and make it easy.

LISA Juice please! I wanst mah juice!

GRACE Yes, - (interrupted)

TRIP Oh, yeah, you know, I think I'll fix you a real drink in not too long...

TRIP In terms of drinks...

TRIP Grace, I know what you want, but I'll ask anyway... what would you like to drink?

LISA JUUUUUIIIIIIICE.

GRACE Um, Just a glass of Chardonnay for me, please. - (interrupted)

TRIP Well, I, uh - I know what you want, Grace.

TRIP Oh, Lisa, - (interrupted)

LISA Okay, how about some water?

(LISA gets up from the couch.)

TRIP Lisa, Come take look at this!

TRIP Your Chardonnay is ready, dear.

GRACE (little sigh)

LISA I want a glass of water.

TRIP Oh! Ha ha ha, yeah -

GRACE Lisa, careful, too many compliments can go to Trip's head...

(LISA kisses trip.)

TRIP uh...

LISA It wasn't me!

TRIP You...

GRACE She just...

TRIP We need to um... uh...

TRIP We need to send a letter to the...

TRIP the shoe repair guy...

GRACE Yeah...

LISA You guys okay? You nervous?

TRIP Ah, yes, right! Yeah...

GRACE be sure they know that everything's okay...

TRIP (long release sigh)

TRIP yeah...

LISA You are? What did I do?

TRIP Heh heh, Lisa, seeing you again makes me remember the good times we all used to have.

GRACE Yes...

(Trip sips his player's drink.)

(Trip sips his Trip's drink.)

(LISA hugs trip.)

TRIP Oh, ha ha, well...

(Grace sips her Grace's drink.)

GRACE Well you're really affectionate tonight, aren't you.

LISA That time in like... High school?

TRIP Whoa I just realized something!

GRACE What...

(LISA picks up the advice ball.)

TRIP We have to celebrate! Tonight's a special night!

(The advice ball reads, "No")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

GRACE What do you mean?

(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")

LISA What happened? Who died?

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Uh, well, remember how you introduced us almost exactly ten years ago tonight?

(The advice ball reads, "Never")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

LISA No. I was drunk.

(The advice ball reads, "No")

TRIP So yeah, remember how you introduced us almost exactly ten - (interrupted)

LISA What? Too awkward?

TRIP Uh, well, all I can say is, tonight means a lot to me, and Grace.

TRIP (frustrated sigh) - (interrupted)

TRIP Uh, I mean, uh, it's, uh - it's good to see you again.

LISA I'm sorry for being strange.

LISA I didn't take my medicine.

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")

LISA Perhaps soon.

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "It's Definite")

LISA Speak to me.

LISA Why are you staring?

LISA SPEAK TO ME.

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

LISA ... No love.

(The advice ball reads, "Why Not")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Maybe Later")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Why Not")

LISA STOP STARING.

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

LISA Did I break you?

(The advice ball reads, "Why Not")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Who Knows")

LISA ... Your drinks suck ass.

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Yes")

LISA There is a line between your boobs

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")

LISA It looks really nasty.

LISA FAT. ASS.

LISA WHY THE FUCK YOU STARING?!

LISA ...

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

LISA ... I quit.

(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(LISA puts down the advice ball.)

(LISA knocks on the front door.)

(LISA opens the front door.)

TRIP You know what, Lisa, that's it, you need to leave.

(LISA picks up the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP We'll be fine - you just have to go.

(Trip closes the front door.)

LISA ASSHOLE!

(The advice ball reads, "Could Be")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")

(LISA shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Why Not")


	12. Chapter 12

FACADE STAGEPLAY Fri Mar 01 16 06 54 2013

TRIP Where are the new wine glasses?

GRACE What for?

TRIP That should be obvious!

GRACE Oh God, Trip, don't turn this into a big production, please!

WALTER TO THE PLACE!

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

TRIP Jesus Grace, come on, I'm not - (interrupted)

TRIP Oh, he's here!

GRACE What?! You said he's coming an hour from now!

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

TRIP No, he's right on time!

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

GRACE Trip...!

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(WALTER knocks on the front door.)

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP Walter!

TRIP Hi! It's so great to see you! It's been a while how's it going?

WALTER Hey, how's it going?

TRIP Oh! We're... great. Just great.

TRIP Come on in!

WALTER Okay.

TRIP Y - yeah, come in! - (interrupted)

GRACE No, no, here we are!

GRACE Walter,

GRACE Hi! How are you? God it's been a while!

TRIP Yeah, how - how are you doing?

WALTER I'm doing good. :D

GRACE I just - (interrupted)

GRACE Aw, ha ha ha!

(WALTER hugs grace.)

GRACE H-mmm (happy smile sound)

(WALTER comforts trip.)

GRACE By the way, you look fabulous!

GRACE Make yourself at home, come on in!

(WALTER hugs trip.)

TRIP Huh, I'll close the door.

GRACE So, Walter, I'm hoping you can help me understand where I went - (interrupted)

(Trip closes the front door.)

WALTER You look nice.

GRACE Funny, Walter, for a second there I thought you were flirting with me.

TRIP (clears throat) Well, we're all friends here.

WALTER I'm just being polite. D:

GRACE So, about my decorating...

GRACE (little sigh) This new painting above the couch is, uh, well, a - an experiment...

TRIP Grace tells me she was the highest bidder - (interrupted)

WALTER It looks so amazing. I love it.

TRIP See, I told you he would like it! There's nothing wrong with it.

GRACE (little sigh)

GRACE (little sigh) So yeah, I just bought this painting... - (interrupted)

WALTER You're awesome.

GRACE Uh, no, it looks amateurish, doesn't it?

TRIP (little sigh)

WALTER Maybe a new frame...?

GRACE Yeah...

GRACE (little sigh) You know, when I look at this wedding picture, hanging here in this room...

TRIP There's nothing wrong with it...

GRACE it obviously just does not go anymore... I mean, with my new decorating and all.

TRIP (little impatient sigh) Grace...! - (interrupted)

WALTER Why is the rose blue?

TRIP Oh, yeah, let me fix us all some drinks in a sec!

TRIP Good news, I just fully loaded the bar, with the real quality stuff... only the best for my guests.

WALTER Drinks and rose...?

GRACE I'm sure I - (interrupted)

TRIP Yeah, hang on, ooh, I'm going to make you one of my fabulous drinks in just a minute!

GRACE Uhh, Walter, try not to encourage him.

WALTER I want to try it! :D

GRACE Yeah, yeah...

TRIP See, Grace, no one has a problem with your decorating, it's fine!

(WALTER kisses trip.)

GRACE uh...

TRIP (nervous coughing)

WALTER NOOOOOO!

TRIP you, um...

GRACE (nervous coughing)

TRIP well...

TRIP ha ha...

GRACE ha ha ha ha ha, heh...

TRIP heh, ha ha ha!

GRACE ha ha ha ha!

TRIP Ha ha ha, heh, Walter,

WALTER I'm sorry. I'm ashamed.

GRACE heh heh...

TRIP you're out of control, man...!

TRIP put us on the spot...

TRIP heh heh, you're crazy, heh, you know that?

TRIP ha ha...

(WALTER picks up a trinket 7.)

TRIP (big sigh)

TRIP Anyway... what were we talking about, heh?

WALTER Sad person corner.

TRIP So! Drinks!

(WALTER puts down a trinket 7.)

TRIP So, what's your poison?

TRIP Let's have something fun,

TRIP like a cosmopolitan?

TRIP I just got a hold of this rare imported Icelandic vermouth I want you to try! - (interrupted)

WALTER Poison is poison to me.

TRIP Oh, but everybody loves that!

GRACE Trip don't pressure our friend, okay?

GRACE Walter, how about something simple, like a nice glass of chardonnay?

TRIP but... uhh... - (interrupted)

WALTER AHHHH!

TRIP Okay look I'm just going to open a bottle of merlot and make everybody happy.

TRIP Walter, trust me, it's good stuff. - (interrupted)

TRIP Walter, are you - are you leaving the room?

WALTER SOMEONE HELP ME!

TRIP There's nothing to see in there, only the kitchen...

WALTER IM GONNA DIIIIEEEEE!

TRIP Okay, anyway... I forget what we were talking about...

WALTER My safe room.

TRIP Okay, Walter, I think this evening is over, you've got to leave.

TRIP Walter, come on, you've got to go.

WALTER WHAAAT?!

WALTER AHH!

WALTER NOOOO!

TRIP I'm sorry, but, uhh, I don't know what the deal is with you tonight.

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP We'll be fine - you should just go.

(Trip closes the front door.)

WALTER WHAT IS HAPPENING!

WALTER MAGIC!


	13. Chapter 13

FACADE STAGEPLAY Fri Mar 01 16 47 39 2013

TRIP Where are the new wine glasses?

GRACE What for?

TRIP That should be obvious!

GRACE Oh God, Trip, don't turn this into a big production, please!

TRIP Jesus Grace, come on, I'm not asking a lot here!

GRACE What - Trip, don't give me that look!

GRACE You're going to drive me crazy!

(Jeff knocks on the front door.)

(Jeff knocks on the front door.)

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP Jeff!

TRIP Hey! I thought I heard someone out here! Great to see you! It's been a while, how's it going?

(Jeff hugs trip.)

TRIP Ha ha, hi!

TRIP Wow, it's really really great to see you.

TRIP So come on in!

GRACE No, no, here we are!

GRACE Jeff,

GRACE Hi! How are you? Oh it's so nice to see you, it feels like it's been forever!

(Jeff picks up the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")

TRIP Yeah, yeah, how are you doing?

(Jeff sits on the couch.)

GRACE Uh, I just asked him that...

TRIP Well I'm asking him too!

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

(Jeff shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Sure Thing")

(Jeff shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Yes")

(Jeff shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "No")

(Jeff shakes the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "Yes")

GRACE Well, come on in, make yourself at home!

(Jeff gets up from the couch.)

(Jeff shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Oh that - that's just a little joke advice giver toy thing that I like to consult now and then...

(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")

(Jeff shakes the advice ball.)

(Trip closes the front door.)

(The advice ball reads, "Perhaps Soon")

(Jeff puts down the advice ball.)

TRIP when I need a little guidance. Ha ha.

GRACE His mother gave that to him.

TRIP Stocking stuffer, heh.

TRIP (clears throat)

GRACE Well, so, make yourself at home...

GRACE Jeff, seeing you again makes me remember the wonderful times we all used to - (interrupted)

PHONE ** RING **

TRIP Oh, I'll get it -

GRACE No, no, we have a guest, we can let the answering machine pick it up.

PHONE ** RING **

TRIP Grace, no, I want -

GRACE Trip, please dear, don't be rude.

GRACE Why, are you expecting a phone call?

PHONE ** RING **

TRIP No, are you?

GRACE No...

PHONE ** RING **

ANSWERING MACHINE ** click **

ANSWERING MACHINE You've reached the fabulous new home of Grace and Trip. Leave us a message!

ANSWERING MACHINE ** beep **

ANSWERING MACHINE Grace, this is your father, I thought I'd call to see how my lovely daughter is doing.

TRIP Oh, it's your parents! I'll get it -

GRACE Trip, Trip, please, I don't want to talk to them right now...

TRIP I want to say hello -

GRACE No no, Trip, we're entertaining a friend in our new apartment...

ANSWERING MACHINE I want you and Trip to come up to the house this weekend, your mother and I are throwing a party for a senior VP at the firm, and you should be there.

GRACE the last thing I want to do is talk to my parents.

ANSWERING MACHINE Oh, and be sure to arrive early, I want to talk to you about this business about why you won't be attending your mother's Christmas Eve gala.

TRIP Well, Grace's parents... They're something else, really classy people -

GRACE Uhh, no, they're impossible, they expect me to drive up to the house in Connecticut to attend all their stupid socialite charity benefits and parties, it's so tiresome.

ANSWERING MACHINE (clear throat) So, that's all. Uh, goodbye.

TRIP (frustrated sigh)

TRIP Heh heh, Jeff, seeing you brings back good memories, you know?

GRACE Yes, it does. H-mmm (happy smile sound)

TRIP Hey, I just realized something.

GRACE What...

TRIP Oh, tonight's a special night! A celebration in fact!

GRACE What do you mean?

TRIP Jeff, remember, it was almost exactly ten years ago, tonight, that you introduced us.

TRIP Senior year of college!

GRACE Oh... geez...

TRIP Remember that?

TRIP Um, well, without you, we wouldn't even have this celebration.

(Trip shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Perhaps.

TRIP Huh!

GRACE (little sigh)

GRACE (big sigh)

GRACE Oh God, Jeff, this isn't much fun for you, is it?

TRIP What?

GRACE Listen to us, we're arguing in front of our friend.

TRIP Grace, come on, it's not helping things for you to say that...

GRACE Trip, it's okay if we disagree in front of our friend -

TRIP Disagreeing?! We're NOT disagreeing. We're, we're not.

TRIP (frustrated sigh) Sheejus.

(Trip shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP Heh... It's a sure thing.

TRIP Huh... I don't know about that...

GRACE Trip, would you put that thing away, it's ridiculous.

TRIP I like it!

GRACE You know, ever since we got married, I can't help it, I'm forever buying new furniture and redecorating,

GRACE I - I really enjoy it -

TRIP Yeah, it's in your blood, you grew up with this stuff.

GRACE Jeff, now be honest with me, agree that this room just does not work!

TRIP Grace, come on, what are you talking about?

GRACE All day at work I design ads for apartments like this,

GRACE and then I think, I want this style for my apartment -

TRIP I love this style, I feel like I'm inside one of your ads, it's great!

GRACE but... I'm wrong, it is just not coming together at all!

TRIP Oh come on! Jesus why can't you just be happy with this? This is fine!

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

TRIP Grace, everything's fine, no one is complaining about your decorating!

GRACE No, he is just being courteous... this room is not -

TRIP Uhh, Grace, come on, people like it, you're the only one -

GRACE You know, Trip, if you hadn't convinced me to go into advertising, I could have painted that painting on the wall instead of buying it!

TRIP You're never happy...

JEFF Um... Drinks?

TRIP Yeah, hang on, ooh, I'm going to make you one of my fabulous drinks in just a minute, heh!

GRACE Uhh, Jeff, please don't encourage him.

(Trip shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP You can bet on it, hmm.

TRIP Uhh, yeah, right...

GRACE Oh God, Trip, if I have to hear that thing one more time, I'm going to go insane, please!

TRIP Oh, I'm not allowed to have a little toy?! Jesus. (frustrated sigh)

TRIP Oh my God, Jeff, oh my God, I am so bad...

GRACE What?!

TRIP I haven't gotten us drinks!

GRACE tuhh...

TRIP Oh this is good because I just bought these classy new cocktail shakers I need us to try out.

GRACE Trip's favorite pastime is to get the blood alcohol content of his guests higher than his golf score.

TRIP Why don't I make us one of my new drink inventions,

TRIP I call it Grace's Inner Soul.

TRIP It's a mixture of chardonnay, bitters and lots of ice.

GRACE It's a secret - Trip doesn't even like the taste of alcohol.

TRIP What?! So, uhh,

TRIP Jeff, how - how does that sound?

JEFF Sure.

TRIP Ah, Jeff, you have deliciously wicked taste.

GRACE Jeff, Trip's getting a little carried away... maybe you just want some juice, or a mineral water?

TRIP (exhale very tense)

JEFF No thanks.

TRIP Yeah, no, I'm going to make this drink for us!

TRIP Our friend is here, we're going to enjoy ourselves, that's all there is to it!

JEFF Sorry.

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

TRIP Grace, everybody loves my drinks, you know that, don't you? Everybody!

GRACE Well, of course Trip, after all, you got enough practice when you were a real bartender.

TRIP What?

GRACE In college, you were a bartender.

TRIP How do you know about that?

GRACE Oh I know you were trying to keep it a big secret, but... one time my friends and I went slumming off-campus to some crappy bar in the sticks, and we saw you there.

TRIP Oh, that's great.

TRIP Uhh, you're driving me insane!

TRIP Goddamn slumming it off campus...

JEFF No drinks...?

TRIP You hide things from me! You're so distant! You... - (interrupted)

TRIP Jeff, wait, I can't fix you a drink right now!

GRACE (impatient sigh) Jeff, - (interrupted)

JEFF Aww. Okay.

TRIP Huh? What are you saying to me?

(JEFF picks up the red wine bottle.)

GRACE My goddamn parents...

GRACE I wish you would just be yourself! Ever since I've known you, you resist just being yourself!

TRIP Oh, Jesus...!

(JEFF puts down the red wine bottle.)

TRIP Alright, you know what, Jeff,

TRIP I need to ask you something.

GRACE Trip -

TRIP Grace, let me ask our guest a question.

JEFF Sure, bro.

TRIP Jeff, yes or no...

TRIP Isn't the goal in life, and in marriage, to improve your life, to have more than you did before?

GRACE What?

TRIP I mean, shouldn't you get married - (interrupted)

JEFF You asked me this yesterday.

TRIP Look, you don't need answer, I don't need to hear anymore!

TRIP Grace, you won't let me be who I want to be! Who - who I am! This is who I am now! Goddammit!

GRACE Oh, don't even...!

JEFF IT IS ENDING THE SAME WAY!

GRACE Uhh! Yeah, good, get out of my sight!

GRACE I can't take you anymore!

JEFF I've seen this one time before!

GRACE Dammit, Trip!

GRACE What are you saying? What?

TRIP What? Are you talking about me in there?

GRACE I wasn't talking about you!

GRACE Jeff, I - I'm sorry... this is a disaster... - (interrupted)

JEFF No, guys. Lets be awesome.

GRACE Jeff, (annoyed sigh) Trip is just so...

TRIP Oh ho, so we're talking about me, are we?

GRACE What?

TRIP Grace, we don't - we don't have to do this... things are okay, we can just -

JEFF Just now, maybe.

GRACE Jeff, I can't stand the pretending anymore... I can't take it!

JEFF THAT POOR TABLE! D:

JEFF NOOOOOOO!

TRIP No, Grace, we can... I mean, come on, don't make it out to be so bad...

JEFF IT WAS SO YOUNG!

GRACE Uhh...

TRIP Jeff, what, is there something I should do?

GRACE Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us.

JEFF Yes. Sit and calm down.

TRIP It's so annoying... Grace, why is it that anytime I want to do something nice for you, you resist it?

(JEFF sits on the couch.)

GRACE Trip...

TRIP Like I always have to convince you?

GRACE Jeff, you know, we... uhh...

JEFF Hey, can I ask a question?

TRIP No?

TRIP It's just never easy with you, Grace, and it wears me down.

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

JEFF Hello? Can I ask a question?

TRIP Let's keep the focus on us, not just one person.

TRIP Grace, I - I want to take care of you...

GRACE Trip...

JEFF Why are you two so mad?

GRACE Why?

GRACE Ah, good, you're asking questions, see, that helps...

GRACE So that's how you see it, Trip, that you're 'taking care of me'...?

TRIP Grace...

GRACE You know what's so annoying, is when you pretend to be all 'romantic'!

JEFF Trip, it's about mutual partnership

TRIP What...?

GRACE Trip, it is such an act!

TRIP Oh my God... Jeff, what... uhh...

JEFF I think you should hug.

GRACE Ah!

TRIP Jeff, you're - you're saying I'm... I'm a loving person.

TRIP Grace, you know I've never wanted anyone but you...

GRACE No?

JEFF Both should be affectionate.

TRIP Yes? - (interrupted)

GRACE Well... uhh... this is the first time you've actually come out and said that, Trip.

JEFF And GET ALONG.

GRACE Let's talk some more about Trip.

TRIP Grace, even though you're now a creative director at work, and even though you redecorate the apartment all the time, the truth is... you're not an artist.

GRACE Uhh...!

TRIP I'm sorry, you're not.

GRACE Jeff, uhh...

JEFF Guys, can we talk like the normal?

TRIP Ah!

GRACE Jeff, you're saying I'm... not communicative? No, that's just wrong, I'm the one here who is able to actually say things...

JEFF I think you need to try again.

GRACE Look, why don't we talk about us, our relationship.

JEFF New start.

GRACE Trip, can't you see, it's the way you speak, the way you talk to me...!

TRIP What, I'm not allowed to be angry?

GRACE You tell me what to do, you don't listen.

TRIP Jeff, I'm not telling - (interrupted)

JEFF Well, you go overboard...

TRIP See, I'm the one trying to reach out to you, Grace...

GRACE Uhh...

JEFF NO, that was you, TRIP!.

TRIP Let's keep talking about us both, not just one of us.

JEFF You're overboard, Trip!

TRIP You know, I can't say Grace never acts loving towards me...

TRIP Jeff, She's all over me at our goddamn parties, trying to look good in front of the guests!

JEFF Hey, be professional.

GRACE Yes?

TRIP Ah, thank you, just saying that helps us... See, Jeff, her acting loving is the only reason I like our - (interrupted)

JEFF Like the mod developer wanted.

TRIP Look around here. We're doing well, really well.

GRACE God, Trip, I can't believe even now you're still... - (interrupted)

JEFF WE'RE IN A VIDEO GAME.

TRIP Oh yeah, you'd - (interrupted)

TRIP See Grace. Our friend knows a good life when he sees it.

GRACE You both... uhh...

JEFF PLOT TWIST!...

GRACE Let's keep talking about Trip.

TRIP Jeff, look around this apartment. It's got everything anyone would ever want. But, Grace, oh no, she's never satisfied.

GRACE Trip, ... ugh ... I'm so sick of this.

JEFF Well, not that plant...

TRIP Well, heh, I - I mean, we - heh - we - we've got everything...

JEFF But otherwise, you're all amazing.

GRACE Trip, - (interrupted)

GRACE No, please stop taking sides, it's just going to make it worse!

JEFF Okay, how about this?

GRACE No let's - let's focus on us, our relationship.

GRACE Trip, you just pretend to like all this stuff... fancy cigars, - (interrupted)

JEFF New start. Better marriage.

GRACE Look, if we're going to talk about marriage, all I can say is, it doesn't turn out the way you expect it to.

TRIP Grace...

GRACE I'm not saying marriage - (interrupted)

JEFF It did for me.

TRIP No, no, look, marriage is - uhh... is this great thing that everybody does, to be happy! It can turn out just fine!

GRACE (frustrated sigh)

JEFF Marriage. You're doing it wrong.

GRACE Uhh, Jeff, God, we already talked about that topic... (frustrated sigh)

JEFF Guys. Be honest. Do you love?

GRACE Ah!

TRIP Jeff, you're saying I'm lying?

TRIP Jeff, you're saying I'm lying?

GRACE See, you lied to me when you said I'd be able to take time off from work at some point, to start painting again. - (interrupted)

JEFF I just want to know.

TRIP Jeff, you - you think I'm lying?

TRIP Oh, geez...

JEFF I just want to know!

TRIP Uhh, this is too much, I can't take this...

JEFF You guys. Please. This is sad.

TRIP No, don't, don't talk me right now...

TRIP Okay, that's it, no more of this bullshit!

TRIP Jeff, I know what you're trying to hint at...

TRIP about us...

JEFF Trip, please. Calm down.

TRIP about our marriage...

TRIP No, Jeff, hold on, hold on, let me finish!

JEFF I'M NOT HINTING ANYTHING.

TRIP Do you really want the truth? Huh?

TRIP Jeff, are you ready to hear it?

JEFF I DON'T WANT NO TRUTH.

TRIP Grace?

GRACE Yes...!

TRIP See, Jeff, I've been paying attention to what you've been saying tonight.

TRIP You've been pushing me tonight.

TRIP It makes me wonder if you're really my friend or not.

GRACE Trip!

TRIP Jeff, come on - yes or no...

JEFF I'm your best friend. :D

TRIP Do you really think that...

TRIP praising me...

TRIP praising Grace...

TRIP saying that Grace is not communicative...

TRIP and worst of all,

TRIP saying I need to be more loving...

JEFF I'm just trying to mend the hate.

TRIP and you don't even say 'yes' when I ask you if you want the truth...

TRIP Wait, Jeff, let me finish!

TRIP that we'll somehow realize something about our marriage?

JEFF I only want love. D:

TRIP Is what you've said tonight supposed to add up somehow, to something?

TRIP Is it? Just give me a yes or no.

JEFF You need correction.

TRIP No, Jeff, just give me a yes or no.

JEFF Trip... You need a nap.

TRIP No? Huh, well, I thought it did add up to something, actually.

TRIP Grace...

JEFF That you should mend the hate?

TRIP uhh...

TRIP I forced you to marry me, didn't I.

TRIP When I proposed to you, in front of your parents, on Christmas Eve, and...

JEFF No, no! D:

TRIP I knew you wouldn't be capable of saying no.

JEFF I FORCED HER!

(JEFF gets up from the couch.)

GRACE You manipulated me.

JEFF IT IS MY FAULT.

GRACE And I never did anything about it.

TRIP Yes.

GRACE And here we are.

JEFF I KILLED YOUR CAT.

TRIP uhh...

GRACE uhh...

JEFF HE WAS SO YUMMY.

GRACE Oh my God...!

TRIP Wait, Jeff, Grace, there's more...

GRACE More?

JEFF TRIP, STOP TALKING.

TRIP Grace...

TRIP uhh...

JEFF STOP. TALKING.

TRIP I've been having an affair.

GRACE Oh my God.

JEFF OH MY GOD.

TRIP It's over now, though.

GRACE But how could you -

TRIP (big sigh) with the client, in, uh, Barcelona.

GRACE Maria.

TRIP I was lonely, Grace.

TRIP But, but, I - I regret it, I really, really regret it.

TRIP uhh...

GRACE uhh...

GRACE Oh my God...!

GRACE Jeff, I, uhh...

GRACE This changes everything...

TRIP Yes, it does change everything.

JEFF It's progress. Please!

TRIP I think it's over.

GRACE Trip, what -

TRIP No!

JEFF NO IT ISN'T

TRIP It's over, Grace, can't you see that?

JEFF TRIP YOU BASTARD STAY HERE

GRACE Wha... b - but you just said -

TRIP I just told you something about us I should have said a long time ago:

JEFF YOU BITCH ASS MOFO.

TRIP I manipulated you into marrying me...

TRIP And no, Jeff, enough of that already...

JEFF GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE.

TRIP And about me...

TRIP I cheated on you. I betrayed you.

JEFF I'LL SLEEP WITH GRACE INSTEA

TRIP And no, Jeff, enough!

GRACE Trip, I -

TRIP No, Grace, this about me, and it's about us, but it's - it's not about you...

JEFF SHE'LL MAKE A LOVELY FRIEND

GRACE Not about me...? Hey, no, wait!

JEFF IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.

TRIP Jeff, I'm sorry. You really helped me though, so, thanks.

(JEFF hugs grace.)

JEFF sup.

(JEFF picks up a trinket 6.)

(JEFF puts down a trinket 6.)

GRACE Trip!

(Trip opens the front door.)

GRACE Trip!

JEFF GET OUT.

(Trip closes the front door.)

GRACE Oh my God...

JEFF MY HOUSE NOW.

GRACE I should have told him that I...

GRACE I could have told him that...

JEFF Told him what?


End file.
